Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump Tower Russia meeting: At least eight people in the room

Above, an exclusive photo of two attendees leaving.

OJ granted parole

Careful, O.J., things have changed a lot since you went in. The internet had no Twitter, and Caitlyn Jenner had a penis.

Body cam vid seems to show Baltimore police planting drugs

On the upside, they brought enough for everyone.

RIP Zombie director George Romero

Romero’s tombstone should read: ‘Maybe he’s here; maybe he’s out taking a walk.’

Walmart apologizes for use of N-Word in product description

Damn, that’s something I’d expect at KKK Mart.

Steve Bannon reportedly attacked Paul Ryan as ‘A Limp-Dk Motherfker’

Hey, hey, that would be ‘Mr. Speaker Limp-D**k Motherf**ker’ to you.

Winnie the Pooh falls foul of Chinese internet censors

In fairness, he could use a pair of pants.

Scaramucci named White House communications director

Now, can we all do the ‘Fandango?’

AP sources: US to ban Americans from traveling to North Korea

Damn, now, l’m going to have to trade in those plane tickets for one to Syria…

Trump warns Mueller not to look at his finances

That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer saying ‘stay out of my refrigerator/freezer.’

Kentucky Republican Party Chair tasered after exposing himself to man in department store bathroom

Clearly in violation of the penile code.

Sprint has reportedly approached Warren Buffett about a 10 Billion dollar investment

Or, as he calls it, Trump change.

UK woman had 27 contact lenses removed during surgery

Guessing she had them put in at Costco.

Saudi Arabia’s King Salman orders newspaper to suspend columnist who praised him too much

No truth to the rumor that the columnist’s name is Ali Sean Hannity.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)