Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump aide dismisses Statue of Liberty ‘huddled masses’ poem

Guessing he prefers: ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your super hot Eastern European models yearning to be trophy wives…’

More gay dolphins have been spotted off the coast of Western Australia

While, the same is true in US off the coast of Fire Island.

Happy 55th birthday, Wesley Snipes

Don’t do anything taxing. Wink. Wink.

Chris Christie scolded a Cubs fan, who heckled him

When asked if he’d do it again, he said, ‘I’ll block that bridge when I get to it.’

Trump: New Hampshire ‘A drug infested den’

Look for that to replace “Live Free or Die” as the state motto.

‪RIP Sam Shepard

The Write Stuff, indeed.

Mueller impanels a Grand Jury

While Trump complained he could negotiate it down to a ‘$650 Jury.’

Ann Coulter blames marijuana for making ‘people retarded’ and ‘destroying the country’

Stoners don’t care; they’ve already forgotten she said it.

NASA hiring someone to protect Earth from aliens

No word on how Mexico plans to pay for it.

Sen. Jeff Flake: My party is in denial about Donald Trump

Look for Trump fans to say his middle name is ‘Snow.’

Lobsterman shares his tale of 12 hours floating on his boots

And using his lobster bib as a sail to get to safety.

U.S adds 209,000 jobs in July

But, most of those hired in to Mueller’s Special Prosecutor office.

NetFlix has a $20 Billion debt

Seems the company was built on a ‘House of Credit Cards.’

Harvard Law mistakenly lists ousted communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, DEAD in alumni directory

True, but only to Trump White House and his immediate family.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)