Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘It’ smashes September box office record with $117 million debut

Shouldn’t the way to stop ‘Pennywise’ be with a hero named ‘Poundfoolish?’

The Internet is dragging President Trump for wearing a mismatched suit

Yup, jacket made in China, pants made in Indonesia.

Hillary Clinton in new book ‘What Happened’ shoulders blame, takes aim

The original title ‘What the F%#ing, Cr-p, Sh%#, Bullsh%# Happened,’ but it was too long to fit on the cover.

Equifax security and information executives are stepping down

They didn’t actually announce it, they just put it in a file on their laptop…

Steve Bannon appears on ‘60 Minutes’

Which is also the longest he’s gone between drinks.

iPhone X is here

Here’s hoping Trump doesn’t confuse it with Malcolm X and try and ban it for converting to Islam.

5 nurses suspended after admiring a patient’s genitals, including after he had died

Seems they were in violation of the penile code.

‪RIP, Harry Dean Stanton

Damn, he was 91 and looked that old since his 30s.

Rare White Giraffe spotted in Kenya

He would have been nearly impossible to see if he hadn’t been carrying that tiki torch.

ESPN apologizes after host Jemele Hill calls Donald Trump a white supremacist

Mostly, to white supremacists.

These are the 10 happiest States in America

Number 1: Denial.

No, ‘60 Minutes’ didn’t purposely make Steve Bannon look like a ‘bleary-eyed drunk’

To be fair, Bannon probably doesn’t realize how wasted he looks because he has no reflection in the mirror.

Alex Jones: Sources tell me Trump is being “covertly drugged” and is now slurring his words by 6 or 7 p.m. each night

Has to be true then.

Ted Cruz ‘likes’ porn on Twitter, breaks internet

Thanks to Ted Cruz GOP now stands for ‘Grab One’s Penis.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)