Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Nicki Minaj hysterically asks John Mayer if her body would be his ‘Wonderland,’ leaves him speechless

Can anyone say Nicki Minaj a trois?

Kim Jong Un says Trump “will pay dearly” for his comments at the UN

Joke’s on Kim, he doesn’t realize Trump files bankruptcy before he pays anyone.

Jewish New Year kicks off

For Jews it’s not 2017, but 5778 which explains why Jews always seem so tired.

Man who said the world is ending Saturday changed his mind

Damn it, I wonder if these Bed, Bath and the Great Beyond coupons are still good?

Trump goes after Steph Curry, tells NFL owners to fire protesters

Dude will do anything to make more big money jobs available to white folks.

Happy 308th birthday. Samuel Johnson, man behind first English dictionary

Hey, Mr. President, this is the actual guy with the best words.

New Taco Bell restaurants to serve alcohol, eliminate drive-thru

Up next, Drunkin Donuts…

KKK hoods, pee proof sheets for sale at Trump Tower gift shop

People should’ve known it was a prank when they saw items were made in USA.

Mueller wants to talk to Sean Spicer

…Mostly because Melissa McCarthy is unavailable.

U.S. seeks up to 27 months in prison for ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner

Makes sense, hard time for violating the penile code.

Toys ‘R’ Us files for bankruptcy in US

Look for sales on ‘Bankruptcy Barbie’ and ‘Sue Me Elmo…’

Trump, at a lunch with African leaders, refers to the non-existent country of ‘Nambia’

And, then pledges to help in ‘Finding Nemo.’

Kevin Hart is apparently on tape being unfaithful to his wife

In fairness, Kevin never turns down a chance to be on camera.

Alec Baldwin wins Emmy Award for Trump impression

And all this time I thought Trump was just doing a bad Alec Baldwin impression.

Fox News announces major lineup shakeup

Ironically, some hosts appear to belong in a whole other kinda lineup.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)