Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Elon Musk: Fly to most places on Earth in under 30 minutes and anywhere in under 60

405 Freeway: Hold my coffee, MFer…

School librarian, citing ‘racist propaganda,’ rejects Melania Trump’s gift of Dr. Seuss books

Especially ‘Hip Hop on Pop’ and ‘Horton Hears a Jew.’

Twitter briefed Congress in election probe

So, it’s the folks who brought us 140 characters vs. the folks with no character.

Hillary Clinton: I’m not sure Trump knows that Puerto Ricans are American citizens

…or, that Hawaiians are.

Saudi Arabia’s King Salman decided to allow women to drive

Good news: Saudi Arabia‘s King Salman decided to allow women to drive.
Bad News: It’s so they can go more places to get their husband a sandwich.

Steven Seagal blasts NFL players

NFL players: Who?

It’s National Poetry Day

Big shout out to the girl from Nantucket.

The President falls for Iranian fake missile launch, and it’s like the sixth-biggest story of the day

Someone call the White House and ask, if ‘its refrigerator is running’ or, if ‘they have Prince Albert in a can.’

O.J Simpson released from Nevada prison

At his age, he’ll be the guy in the white Bronco with the rear turn signal blinker continuously on.

Trump delivering aid to Puerto Rico: ‘This is a thing called the Atlantic Ocean, this is tough stuff’

It seems the only island shelters he cares about are tax shelters.

Rick Pitino calls allegations against Louisville a ‘shock,’ blames few bad actors

That’s the same statement given by the producers of ‘Showgirls.’

RIP, Hugh Hefner

Instead of reading his obit people will just look at the pictures.

US announces new sanctions on N. Korea

There’s still stuff to sanction? What’s left, no more franchises for the ‘Hair Club for Madmen?’

Senate GOP won’t vote on Graham-Cassidy health care bill: ‘We don’t have the votes’

But, it would’ve passed in the Electoral College.

MIT researchers use drone fleets to track warehouse inventory

And that one sock from a pair that keeps disappearing.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)