Create a Utopia in Five Easy Steps

A simple guide for turning any country into a utopia

A lot of countries have problems. The main one is, they’re not utopias.  

It’s surprising that there aren’t more perfect places in the world, what with things like the wheel, polio vaccine, and Beats by Dre. But nations shouldn’t feel disheartened, for we’ve come up with a simple guide that can turn any country into a utopia.

1. VIP list only  

A utopia can’t be too crowded. The more people, the more of a chance that things will go awry. That’s mathematics, not misanthropy. Being stuck in traffic, waiting in lines, having to sit in one of the first two rows at a movie because, with the reclining chairs, theaters only have but a few dozen seats, a great setup when the place isn’t packed, which is the point–that doesn’t sound too utopia to me.  

Of course, you don’t want to live in a ghost town, either. You need activity, life, no fewer than four potential sexual partners. Norway, which was named the happiest country in the world last year in what was I’m sure a foolproof calculative exercise, has five million people spread out over 148,000 square miles, or the size of Montana. So we’ll use that ratio as our benchmark.

2. Location, location, location

To keep the club exclusive, your utopia can’t be a landlocked area where people can stream across your borders. It’s best to be surrounded, at least on two sides, by oceans–very big oceans, if you can find that kind.

Ideally–and since we talking utopias here, we can use such words–your locale would lend itself to a warm climate. Because, aside from the o, you can’t spell utopia with cold.

3. Carry a big stick

While ocean borders will help against defense, you’ll still need an army or, at least, a weapon of great magnitude to deter the rest of the world from attacking. Something along the lines of a plasma death ray satellite that can incinerate world capitals in the blink of an eye would be perfect.

4. Mood lighting

As the stars of FOX’s once-Edenic reality show Temptation Island can attest, paradise ain’t filled with ugly people. But in utopia, you don’t need expensive surgery, good genes, or, god forbid, exercise to look good. All you need is the proper lighting over the proper mirror. Since there is no set formula for this, being with the different time zones and all, any utopia must have well-funded scientists devising the exact mixture that will be right for that particular location.

5. Print that paper

The most important of step in creating a utopia is also the simplest: Give each citizen as much money as he or she wants. If economists think printing sheet after sheet of money will devalue the currency, guess what you can do–just print more sheets of money! Instead of manufacturing items, import everything you need. Amazon and Alibaba won’t care about the exchange rate, or if it takes a billion of your utopian currency to equal one of their dollars or yuans. It’s all virtual anymore. Everybody wins.

And if you think that people getting what they want all the time won’t make them happy, you’re being ridiculous. Of course it would! It’s one of the universal truths found in all major religious as well as several indigenous tribes.

So, to recap: Take a dash of fewer people, mix in a tablespoon of warm climate, add a touch of giant plasma death ray, a pinch of proper lighting and mirrors, and stir in giving all citizens as much money as they want, and voila–a tasty, nutritional utopian casserole we all can enjoy!

Who’s hungry for a little paradise?