Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump says NBC should lose its broadcast license

I kinda agree, but for me it’s for not bringing back Shakira as a judge on ‘The Voice.’

The Moon has no atmosphere, but has that always been the case? NASA

I wonder the same about Olive Garden restaurants.

Trump: We can’t keep FEMA, the Military & the first responders in Puerto Rico forever!

Yeah, who do they think they are? Afghanistan?

Will.i.am doesn’t think ‘Game Of Thrones’ has enough black people in it

I agree. I’ll still watch the show, but to protest I’ll take a knee during the opening credits.

Carter Page says he’ll take the fifth before Senate Intelligence panel in Russia probe

In related news, Steve Bannon will drink a fifth.

Colorado defends its legal marijuana program in strong letter to Jeff Sessions

Let’s just say it was blunt.

Sen. Corker said White House is like an adult day care center

Look for the President to hold his breath and stomp his feet until Corker takes it back.

Harvey Weinstein banned from the Motion Picture Academy

…and, let’s hope, at the potted plant section at Lowe’s.

Eminem unleashes on Trump at BET Awards

Yup, the Real Slim Shady dropped the mic on the Real Dim Shady.

Trump’s ex Ivana calls herself the ‘First Lady’ and worries about Melania’s jealousy

See what happens when you outsource for wives …

House Speaker Paul Ryan visits Puerto Rico as much of the island remains without power

Much like the Speaker, himself…

Kim Kardashian & Caitlyn Jenner are still not speaking

How’d they both get so lucky?

Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded

Nobel Prize In ‘Lack of Chemistry’ goes to Trump and Tillerson…

MLB and Cubs sued after line drive foul ball leaves man blinded in one eye

On the upside, he is halfway there to being a major league umpire.

Playboy exec: ‘It’s an “embarrassment’ Trump was once on our cover’

Why? You guys made a fortune off big boobs…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)