Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Lady Gaga makes surprise appearance at hurricane relief concert

…And she has sure held up better than the original members of New Kids on the Block. Oh wait…

Trump blocks release of some JFK files over security concerns

Ted Cruz: “Ok, Dad, you can come on out from under the bed. All clear.”

Bill O’Reilly says he’s mad at God

I wonder what she did to him.

Happy Birthday Pat Sajak and Hillary Rodham Clinton

Never seen in same place at same time. Hmmmm?

5 women accuse journalist and ‘Game Change’ co-author Mark Halperin of sexual harassment

He might want to call next book ‘Name Change.’

The President attacked Senator Bob Corker this morning

Because he’s run out of former POWs, Gold Star families and orphans…

Kylie Jenner, 20, expecting first child with Travis Scott

Face it, this crowd doesn’t have babies, they have spinoffs.

Justin Timberlake will headline Super Bowl Halftime Show

Members of N Sync may join him if someone can cover their shifts at Applebee’s.

Robert Mueller’s office serves first indictments

In the future, Oprah should show up at the White House with Mueller: “And you get an indictment. And you get an indictment. And you get an indictment.”

Melania gets backlash after telling kids not to ‘copy somebody’ during school visit

In fairness, it’s what Michelle Obama would have said.

RIP, Fats Domino

Or, as he’s known in PC terms ‘Waist Challenged’ Domino.

Happy Halloween!

The Cleveland Browns were going to dress as themselves. But realized they don’t scare anyone.

Sen. Flake announced he won’t run again, rips Trump on Senate floor

Look for Gen. Kelly to remember the time he saw Flake bomb Pearl Harbor.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)