I'd Be Happy To Date You When Hell Freezes Over: Online Dating Turnoffs

One single librarian’s collection of online dating turnoffs

Shirtless pics.

Headless pics.

Bathroom selfies.

Gym selfies.

Anything camo or Trump-related.

Any photo of a guy with a fish or a dead deer.

Spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. (I can’t help it — I think less of men who use “it’s” when they mean “its.”)

Photos of a man standing next to a truck, car or boat. Or even worse — a photo of just the car, truck or boat! (Dude – I don’t want to date your boat.)

Anything referencing genitalia, euphemistically or otherwise, mine or his. “Bigboy69.” “Pussylover.” “Sir Lickitalot.” No. Just no.

Overly cute usernames. (Such as? Any username that includes “4U.”)

“Legally separated.” (As far as I’m concerned, “legally separated” just means “I’m not really single but I want to act as if I am.”)

Cliches. “Likes to take long walks on a sunset beach.” I live in suburban Philadelphia. There are no beaches here.

Anyone whose hobbies are “huntin’ fishin’ and 4-wheelin.” (a.k.a. “the country boy trifecta.”)

Weird facial hair. (Including, but not limited to, mutton chop sideburns, mammoth lumberjack beards and the dreaded curlicue mustache.)

Photos that include an ex-wife or girlfriend. (Especially if her face has been scribbled out. If you do that, you don‘t need a girlfriend. You need a therapist.)

And the absolute worst? Guys in their 60s who will only date women in their 20s and 30s.

If you’re a woman who is online dating, feel free to add to this list in the comments section. If you’re a man who is online dating, feel free to edit your profile accordingly. (And if you’re an intelligent, funny single man in his 60s who would never dream of including any of these things in his own online dating profile? Get in touch.)

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)

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Roz Warren

Roz Warren Roz is the author of Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library and Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and of course, the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.