Hey Old Lady! Want to Buy a Reverse Mortgage?

As far as Facebook is concerned, I am now an Old Lady.

I just turned 63, so naturally Facebook hit me with an ad for coping with memory loss. As far as my favorite social media site is concerned, I am now an Old Lady. When I asked my FB pals who are also Seniors what kind of promotions have been turning up in their feeds, they told me that in the upcoming days, I should expect to see ads for the following:

Walkers
Depends
Wheelchairs
Walk-in bathtubs
Colonoscopies
Senior dating sites
Viagra and Cialis
Medicare Supplemental Insurance
Reverse mortgages
Baldness cures
“Prevent Alzheimer’s Disease with Coconut Oil.” (If only it were that simple…)
Ads telling me what to do about my enlarged prostate
Make-up tips for “mature women”

And, worst of all?

Cremation!

I could continue to ignore ads like this. Or I could put them all together and see what happens!

I’ll apply make-up using those tips, then take a photo and post it on a senior dating site, where I’ll meet a balding man with an enlarged prostate. We’ll fall in love, reverse our mortgages and squander the resulting windfall on a gigantic walk-in bathtub where (after I cast off my Depends and he gobbles his Viagra) we’ll have lots and lots of sex. (Our safe word will be “Medical Supplemental Insurance.”)

Then? We’ll die of happiness & get cremated.

Thanks, Facebook!

(Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library , both of which you should buy immediately.)

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Roz Warren

Roz Warren Roz is the author of Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library and Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor, The Philadelphia Inquirer and of course, the Humor Times. Connect with her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter or visit her website.