Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Navy Pilots from NAS Whidbey Island drew a massive penis in the sky

If the image doesn’t disappear in 4 hours they should contact a doctor.

Roy Moore uses title of teen cheerleader movie in attempt to defend himself with: ‘Bring. It. On.’

Well, in fairness, that is less creepy than the Dr Seuss title: ‘Hop. On Pop.’

US warship collides with Japanese tug boat, latest mishap for the Navy’s 7th Fleet

Who’s steering these ships? Captain Crunch?

Happy 69th Birthday, Howard Dean

Big celebrations planned in Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and… California and Texas and New York…. And South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. Yeah!

Barack Obama has a more favorable rating than Donald Trump — in Alabama: Fox News

Hell, Barack Obama will have a more favorable rating at Trump’s family Thanksgiving dinner.

Keystone pipeline reportedly spills 210,000 gallons of tar sands oil in South Dakota

And it’s still not as slick and greasy as Congress.

Trump building in Panama has ties to Russian mafia, international crime

Dammit, he even outsourced his organized crime.

Al Franken apologizes after radio anchor says he forcibly kissed her, took lewd photo

‘Saturday Night Live’ reruns will now have a sketch called the ‘Christopher Plummer Decade.’

A child reportedly destroyed over $1,000 worth of make-up at Sephora

And, was immediately offered a basketball scholarship at UCLA.

Russian Ambassador says he won’t name all the Trump officials he met because the list is too long

Let’s make it easy, name the ones you haven’t met.

Morning Joe’ blasts fake Washington Post ‘Bernie Bernstein’ robocall: ‘So anti-Semitic’

As opposed to the original name they were going to use ‘Hymie McJewyJew.’

Stewardess claims first-class passengers pay flight attendants for sex

That’s why they should call it ‘No Longer a Virgin Atlantic.’

Paul Ryan orders mandatory sexual-harassment training for U.S. House

No word if that’s to stop it or teach new techniques….

3 times Jeff Sessions made false statements to Congress relating to Russian contacts under oath

At this point Jeff Session should just answer questions with a ‘dah’ or a ‘nyet.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)