Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump holds the National Tree Lighting ceremony

…and an inauguration broke out.

8 signs you have Adult ADD

Sign Number 1: Wait… Look, squirrel!

KellyAnne Conway will run White House’s opioid crisis efforts

Weird, because I usually think of her as someone who the thought of gets you to want to take hard drugs.

Obama to meet world leaders in India and China weeks after Trump’s visit

This time, he might be on an actual apology tour.

Over 6,000 DC lobbyists worked on GOP tax bill: report

So, it is a jobs bill.

Aaron Boone tapped for NY Yankee Manager job

The Yanks called me to say to say that I was PROBABLY going to be hired, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!

Mike Flynn rolls over on Trump

On the upside for Trump, it wasn’t Chris Christie.

Garrison Keillor fired by Minnesota Public Radio over claims of inappropriate behavior

C’mon, People, the guy’s in Minnesota, don’t they have to do all kinds of stuff to just keep warm?

Homeland Security Department terminated the temporary residency program for almost 60,000 Haitians

That oughta free up like 2,000,000 jobs.

Happy 72^nd Birthday, Bette Midler

It, also, marks the 2nd Holiest day on the gay calendar, right after the day of the ‘Tony Awards.’

Franklin Graham says others did worse than Roy Moore

Really, there’s worse than being a child molester? Is that in the Book of Romans Polanski?

Two American Instagram stars bared their buttocks at a Thai temple. Now they’re under arrest

See what happens when you make an ass of yourself?

Trump now says his lawyer drafted Tweet about knowing Flynn lied to FBI

So, once again, Trump is trying to avoid a draft.

Matt Lauer fired from the Today Show for inappropriate sexual behavior

The only way Matt Lauer survives any of this is if the accuser turns out to be Brian Williams.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)