The lurid confessions of Don Jr.
Your name?
Donald Trump Jr.
When did you realize that Donald Trump was your father?
I was 5 and he sank my boats in the bathtub.
Have you wanted to get back at him ever since?
Wouldn’t you?
Have you ever been to Russia?
Once.
Shines light in Don Jr’s eyes.
Twice.
Is given an Indian Burn.
Thrice.
You mean 3 times?
Yes, thrice.
What was your business in Russia?
That building looked just like Disneyland.
This is fun, what am I — bobbing for apples?
Wasn’t it for the Miss Universe Contest?
Nope, opening laundromats.
Let me down!
Which is it — Disneyland or Laundromats?
You can’t break me — I just ate a Trump Steak!
Water trickles down Don Jr’s face.
Conditioner, please.
How many kids did you adopt?
Not me — I don’t have any trouble performing.
Am I in a barrel — there’s an echo!
“100 Bottles of Beer on the wall” play ad nauseum.
Then who adopted all these Russian children?
Okay, okay — Pam in Accounting, George in Acquisitions, Murph in…
So ‘Adoption’ isn’t a code word for ‘Hillary’s fitness’?
How would I know if she has a Gold’s Gym card or not.
Are those bees?
When did you tell your father about the Trump Tower meeting?
Don’s given a Hot Foot.
Oww, he already knew.
And, your father composed your statement?
Why not — I’m just a boy.
Who is Natalia Veseinitskaya?
That’s a funny name… buy a vowel!
Sound of Dentist’s drill.
Who is she?
Alright, alright — she was supposed to win “Miss Russia” but Pop found a Blini in her bra!
SLAP!
Now, I really won’t tell!
It’s your last chance – we already know everything!
Sound of paper money being counted.
Okay, okay. My father planned the whole Russia thing, has the Lindbergh Baby & whacked Jimmy Hoffa, all right?
Let him go, he’s clean — now get the dumb one!
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