The Jerry Duncan Show: State of the Union Debate

Our favorite talk radio show hosts a debate on the state of the nation.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Chuck Schumer, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, and comedian Kathy Griffin, who is representing the American voter, in a spirited debate about the State of the Union.

PALIN

I don’t like unions.

GRIFFIN

Well I do. I’m in the actors union. Union, union, union.

JERRY

Hold on dumb and dumber. I’m talking about the United States.

SCHUMER

Isn’t this silly? I’m going to be debating two people who share the same brain.

JERRY

Tax reform. Taxes. A large problem for America.

PALIN

You betcha. Texas is always trying to claim they are the largest state. But it’s Alaska. I even have the name tattooed on my butt so I won’t forget.

GRIFFIN

What is she saying?

SCHUMER

I don’t know. It’s like eating a corn beef sandwich with mayonnaise. Makes no sense. Correct me if I’m wrong.

PALIN

You’re wrong.

SCHUMER

The problem with taxes is the inequality in our system. The tax breaks are going to corporations and the upper one percent—multimillionaires and billionaires. We need to give those breaks to the middle class and poor. Maybe no taxes at all if a family earns less than $20,000.

GRIFFIN

Like me folks. I’ve been out of work for over a year. I hope the New Year ball drops on Anderson Cooper’s head.

PALIN

I don’t want to pay more to the government. I need that money to support my foundation The Sarah Palin Institute of Brain Farts. We study why old people forget what they ate for breakfast or how car keys end up in refrigerators. Important stuff like that.

JERRY

Speaking of important–North Korea.

SCHUMER

I bet Sarah doesn’t know the name of the leader.

PALIN

You wanna bet? How about a billion dollars wise guy?

SCHUMER

You’re on road kill. Okay. What is it?

PALIN

Little Rocket Man. That’s what the president said.

GRIFFIN

(laughing) No. It’s Kim Kardashian.

SCHUMER

Where’s my money? It’s Kim Jong-un.

PALIN

Fake name. Not paying.

GRIFFIN

Did I tell you? Kim Jong-un and I are going into business together. We’re selling mistletoe. His motto is “Make love, not war.”

JERRY

Moving on to Russia.

GRIFFIN

Hey Duncan. What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?

JERRY

I don’t know.

GRIFFIN

A tourist.

JERRY

Kathy cracked a funny. Ba ha ha ha ha ha.

SCHUMER

Let’s get serious. The Russians meddled in our elections. Fake adds on Facebook and Twitter against Hillary. I’m worried I’ll be next.

JERRY

You should be. I created a new series for NBC called Everybody Hates Chuck.

PALIN

When is this debate ending, Duncan ? I’m going hunting today for Rocky and Bullwinkle. Made room for their heads in my den.

JERRY

Last question. Do you have any regrets? You first Governor.

PALIN

Yeah. I should have talked trash about Tina Fey for dissing me on national television. It’s not too late. I can still shove Ms. Fey’s glasses up where the sun don’t shine. Watch out four eyes!

JERRY

Ms. Griffin.

GRIFFIN

I should have married Hugh Hefner. Then I could have had a show called My Life On The Double D List.

JERRY

Senator.

SCHUMER

I should have replaced Kathy Griffin on Anderson Cooper’s new years eve special. Big time publicity.

GRIFFIN

You rat. To think you would stoop so low.

PALIN

I’m with you girl. Let’s get em. I’m a black belt and aim for the nuts.

GRIFFIN

I’m a white belt and really nuts. Look out 1600 SAT score boy!

JERRY

Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.