The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Elizabeth Warren

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Senator Elizabeth Warren

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. She’s been in office for four years and continues to shake things up in Washington.

ELIZABETH WARREN

Take your battle station, sailor.

JERRY

You met your match, sister.

WARREN

We’ll see big mouth.

JERRY

It says in my notes that you were born in Oklahoma City. Hey, what do rednecks say after breaking up?

WARREN

I don’t know.

JERRY

Let’s just be cousins.

WARREN

You just insulted half the state.

JERRY

Mission accomplished.

WARREN

Why I’m going to stick my foot up your rear so hard that you’ll taste your balls. Do you understand? On the count of three. One… two…

JERRY

Understood.

WARREN

Don’t disrespect me again.

JERRY

Mitch McConnell censored you in the Senate last February for defaming the character of Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

WARREN

Yeah. And I told Turtle McConnell to quit hiding in his shell or I would torch it. I’m fighting against Sessions anti-immigration policy. I fight for the little guy by making health care more affordable, regulating Wall Street and banks, and making sure there are high paying jobs for anyone willing to work.

JERRY

You were considering running for president in the last election. What was that all about?

WARREN

I’m the new Robin Hood. If you’re rich and steal money from the poor, then I’m going to find you. Beware banksters and Wall Street thieves, I know where you live. I decided to let Hillary have the honor of being our nominee. Though I was pressured by the Dems to drop out of the race. (shouting) I’m gonna get you Nancy Pelosi. You’re going to need another face lift when I’m through!

JERRY

The Trumpster considers you a threat to his presidency.

WARREN

That’s because he’s one of the bad guys. Trump likes to stiff the little people, keep the wealth for himself and berates women who are strong like me.

JERRY

How strong are you?

WARREN

Get up Duncan and I’ll show you.

JERRY

(nervous) It’s okay. I’m a believer.

JERRY

What’s on your agenda?

WARREN

I’m considering a run for president.

JERRY

Nothing surprises me anymore. What else?

WARREN

Impeach Trump, baby. Obstruction of justice with Russian interference in our elections. We got the goods on him. Those meeting in Trump Tower with Trump, Jr. wanting dirt from the Russians on Hillary Clinton. Trump knowing Flynn lied to the FBI and asked Comey to go lightly on him. Three words–You’re fired.

JERRY

The Trumpster calls you Pocahontas. What do you say to him?

WARREN

Pocahontas is a hero. She saved the life of a settler named John Smith who was going to be executed by Native Americans. But that’s not my name even though I’m part Native American.

JERRY

What part?

WARREN

See these two middle fingers in front of your face, kemosabe?

JERRY

Got it.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

I’m doing a show, scrambled brains.

INTERN

I know, but Senator Sanders is in the lobby. He says it’s important.

JERRY

Someone served him the wrong breakfast at Dennys? Okay, send him in.

WARREN

Bernie Sanders? He’ll cut into my airtime.

JERRY

As W Bush woud say, “I’m the decider.”

SANDERS

Hi Jerry. May I speak?

JERRY

Say please.

SANDERS

Please may I speak?

JERRY

No.

WARREN

Oh, go ahead. Let him say his piece.

JERRY

Make it quick Einstein.

SANDERS

Spoiler alert. Kellyann Conway put her tongue down my throat after I wouldn’t stop talking on the Senate floor. I’m here to announce there will be an investigation by the Ethics Committee.

WARREN

At least it wasn’t Al Franken’s tongue.

SANDERS

The news and this is HUGE is that I’m running for president in 2020.

WARREN

You can’t run if I’m running! It’s my turn. I’m a minority.

SANDERS

Minority, shminority. You don’t have as much experience. I was on the committees for the budget, environment, energy and natural resources, health, education, labor and pensions, and former chair of Veterans Affaires.

JERRY

Blah, blah, blah. And your response Senator Warren?

WARREN

Pussy power!

JERRY

That says it all. Time to go Bernie.

SANDERS

Is there a deli in the neighborhood? I’m dying for some fried salami and eggs.

JERRY

My intern will show you to the door. Bye-bye goofball.

The intern grabs Sanders by the arm who is kicking and screaming.

SANDERS

This is a bunch of mishegas. You’re all crazy.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.