Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Golden Globes take on Weinstein, sexual harassment, #MeToo

I can’t be the only who finds it ironic a show with protests for gender equality is called the Golden Globes.

Trump attends National Championship Game

People are saying Trump wanted the game named after him but the name the Orange Bowl was already taken.

ICE conducted sweeps of 100 7-Eleven stores

The first time 7/11 and sweep have been used in the same sentence.

Trump says he doesn’t want immigrants from ‘Shit Hole’ countries

‘Cuz if they all came here who’d make Ivanka’s shitty clothing line!

In-N-Out Burger introduces new menu item for the first time in more than 10 years

Does a defibrillator actually count?

Trump claims US sold Norway a ‘F-52’ aircraft that doesn’t actually exist

Really? What if it’s a stealth fighter, how would anyone know for sure? ‘Look! Sorry, you missed it! Quick, look…’

Ethiopia will no longer allow foreigners to adopt its children

…Causing Angelina Jolie to complain she was one adoption away from getting her next kid free and a large order of fries.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running for Senate in AZ

He doesn’t belong in the Senate; he belongs in the ‘Big House.’

Oprah versus Trump!

The winner will be declared when Maury Povich opens an envelope. “The results are in. And, (Fill in) are not the President.”

Exclusive: Mark Wahlberg paid $1.5M for ‘All the Money in the World’ reshoot, Michelle Williams got less than $1,000

He should immediately use the money to pay back people who went to see ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’

Wrapping your teeth in aluminum foil might actually help you make them whiter!

…And get free Wi-Fi.

Anthony Scaramucci on Trump’s performance: ‘I’d like to see you sing the National Anthem’

While I’d rather hear The Mooch break into,’ …can you do the Fandango?’

RIP, Jerry Van Dyke

Minnesota State University’s finest…

Trump’s lawyer paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 to keep quiet, according to the Wall Street Journal

Look for a Porn movie about it called ‘I Am Curious (Orange).’

Steve Bannon gone from Briebart

Paging Christopher Plummer. Paging Christopher Plummer. Paging Christopher Plummer.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)