The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Chief of Staff John Kelly

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. Hello, Chief.

JOHN KELLY

Me no Chief. Me a General.

JERRY

Okay funny boy. I’m here to make you go ballistic like your boss.

KELLY

I’m calm as a cucumber.

JERRY

Yeah? Your nose looks like one. Hey, you’re a retired Marine general and former commander of U.S. Southern Command in Central and South America and Caribbean. Even led a fighting force in Iraq.

KELLY

Yep. One of our boys accidentally shot off my toupee in Mosul. Mistook it for a ground squirrel. Those were rough times. Did you serve?

JERRY

Five months in the county jail for stealing my neighbor’s parrot. I didn’t know the damn bird would rat me out. Not with the name Helen Keller.

KELLY

You’re weird.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. The president appointed you Secretary of Homeland Security after he was inaugurated. What did you do?

KELLY

Oh, just hung around the border. Had people arrested. It was fun.

JERRY

That job only lasted six months.

KELLY

One day in this White House is a lifetime. Trust me.

JERRY

Now you’re Chief of Staff. Describe your duties for those of us who don’t care.

KELLY

I negotiate with Congress, implement the president’s agenda and advise the president what he doesn’t want to hear.

JERRY

Are we talking about the same person? The Trumpster doesn’t listen to anybody. Don’t fire Comey. He did it. Don’t fire Priebus. He did it. Don’t fire Sessions.

KELLY

He didn’t fire Sessions.

JERRY

Give him a day for his head to explode. Please tell me something I don’t know about Trump.

KELLY

The president wrote beautiful poetry when he was in college.

JERRY

C’mon. The guy can’t put two words together.

KELLY

Would you like to hear a few?

JERRY

Make me a believer.

KELLY

Here’s his first poem written in 1965.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

One ripped condom that caused you.

JERRY

Wow. That’s really deep.

KELLY

This was written in 1966.

Here I sit broken-hearted,

Paid a dime and only farted.

JERRY

Brilliant. There’s real anger in that gem. Hey, what’s the strangest thing that happened in the White House?

KELLY

There are so many. But one that comes to mind was on April Fools Day. We were holding a cabinet meeting and Barron Trump was under the table wearing a Kevin Spacey mask. Well, he managed to pull my Johnson and a second later Jeff Session’s little Johnson.

JERRY

And what did Trump do?

KELLY

He tweeted a photo of everyone laughing at us with the caption Johnson & Johnson.

JERRY

What’s the coming attractions in the West Wing?

KELLY

A nuclear war with North Korea, Wall Street crashing, impeachment hearings. My plate is full.

JERRY

Trump asked, “If we have nuclear weapons, why can’t we use them?” Is he nuts?

KELLY

I think you answered your own question, buddy.

JERRY

I’m glad you said that because I am about to prove the obvious. Ladies and gentlemen, from the inner sanctum of the White House, welcome Vice President Mike Pence.

PENCE

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

So you decided to come back for more punishment.

PENCE

There have been many martyrs in the Bible. I believe the Lord will help me through this interview.

KELLY

And I thought Jerry Duncan was weird.

JERRY

Special Counsel Mueller is focusing his Russian investigation on you, Mikey. You might be covering up for Trump because you said that you didn’t know Mike Flynn lied to the FBI.

PENCE

No, no, no. I thought the FBI was something women use to protect themselves from getting pregnant. Which you know I’m against.

JERRY

That’s an IUD knucklehead. And I don’t buy it.

PENCE

Okay, I knew. Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Don’t turn me into a pillar of salt. I have so many good ideas for outlawing sex in America.

JERRY

You’re finally starting to confess. Have you had any wild women in your office?

PENCE

Oh no. It’s a sin to look at another woman other than my wife.

JERRY

Jesus. Let’s get to the claim that Trump is nuts. I’m referring specifically to his thoughts about using nuclear weapons.

PENCE

Did you say Jesus thinks the president is nuts? If he’s on board, so am I.

JERRY

No, mayonnaise face. General Kelly over there said the president is nuts.

PENCE

It’s the fake media. Roy Moore is a decent man, Charlottesville never happened, Paul Manafort is as honest as Abe Lincoln, Donald Trump doesn’t know Billy Bush, Chris Christie isn’t fat.

JERRY

You’re going crazy. I gotta call 911.

PENCE

Donald Trump had the largest inauguration crowd in the history of the United States, Obama was born in Kenya…

(A door slams. Loud footsteps are heard.)

JERRY

There he is fellas. Strap him down. Wow, the Penster is headed for an insane asylum worse than the one he’s worked in for over a year. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.