Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Does Reese Witherspoon have 3 legs on ‘Vanity Fair’ cover?

Or, is she just glad to see ya?

Norway’s Prime Minister on Americans moving to her country

PM: ‘We’re building a wall and making Finland pay for it…’

Chicago West is the name of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby. Here’s why:

Apparently, the name “Duck Gunfire” was already taken.

DNC hires former Yahoo security chief in wake of 2016 hacks

Makes sense, if anyone knows how to keep people away from an internet site, it’s someone who worked for Yahoo!

Magician David Copperfield allegedly accosted a 17-year-old model in 1988

Or, maybe it was just half of one 34 year old he sawed in half…

Fake’ iPhone battery explodes in man’s mouth when he makes bizarre decision to bite down on it to check if it’s real

Too bad it wasn’t an older iPhone battery, it would have taken longer and been way less powerful.

Donald Trump is an “Idiot” and a “Liar,” Americans say in new poll

In fairness, many of those people want to be the next Secretary of State…

Man who hopes to prove the earth is flat in his homemade rocket has a new launch date

…April 4, 1446.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at the age of 91

May he rest in pieces.

‘Shape of Water’ got 13 Oscar nods

According to CNN, it would’ve been 14 except for Chuck Schumer.

Tourism to U.S. is down since President Trump took office, costing $4.6 billion and 40,000 jobs

We may need that wall to keep people in.

Steve Wynn out as RNC Finance Chair

Damn. Steve Wynn gone. Harvey Weinstein gone. Bill O’Reilly gone. Charlie Rose gone. It’s like a new movie called ‘No Country For Dirty Old Men.’

Anti-Trump protests in Switzerland

…a country that was neutral on Hitler.

Stormy Daniels to appear on Jimmy Kimmel after the State of the Union

Not actually ‘on’ Jimmy Kimmel, but the show…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)