Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump tweeted out against Oprah

So, it’s ‘The Color Purple’ against the color orange.

Fergie blasted for ‘awful’ rendition of national anthem at NBA All-Star Game

Clearly, Laura Ingraham told the wrong person to ‘shut up and dribble.’

White House says Trump son-in-law Kushner can do job without security clearances

What about his parole officer?

Stock volatility: Back with a bang and here to stay

Look for Moody’s to change its name to F#$KinNervous.

Teenagers stage ‘lie-in’ outside White House in support of Parkland shooting victims

…as opposed to the usual ‘lyin’ that goes on inside.

The Facebook algorithm changes, AGAIN

Facebook’s new motto: If it ain’t broke, fix it.

Eric Greitens: Missouri Republican Governor charged over allegations he blackmailed former mistress with nude photographs

Governor, it’s the ‘Show Me State,’ not the ‘Show Her State.’

It’s Margarita Day!

Look for Trump to call for a Harvey Wallbanger to be built around it and then make Cuevro Gold pay for it.

Florida legislators discuss bans on porn instead of guns

Great, if a pizza delivery guy or pool boy shows up at a school armed he’ll be turned away.

U.S. companies abandon the NRA as boycott call grows

If the NRA loses anymore sponsors, the only way members will get discounts is by using a gun.

A McDonald’s manager started shooting at drive-thru customers, police say

Not cool, unless it was the Hamburglar…

White House on lockdown and woman arrested after car crashes into security barrier

Damn that Omarosa.

Alcohol and coffee can help you live past 90, study says

Or, just look that old.

NASA’s Opportunity Rover sees its 5,000th day on Mars

…taking it off the extended warranty.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)