Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pizza Hut is replacing Papa John’s as the official pizza of the NFL

Shouldn’t it now be know as Pizza Hut Hut?

John Kelly: Rex Tillerson was on the toilet when I told him he’d be fired

Look for the HBO movie to be called ‘Game of on the Thrones.’

Trump aides beginning to look for the exits

Amazing, the line leaving the White House is now longer than the tour line into the White House.

California is overturning thousands of pot convictions, how can you get yours removed or reduced?

First, you have to remember you have a conviction…

‪UK doctors plan country’s first three-person fertilization procedure

While in France they call that a ‘ménage à trois.’

Did Donald Trump stop a mugging in 1991?

Nope, turns out it was Brian Williams.

House Repubs on Intelligence Committee say they found no evidence of Trump colluding with Russia

… or, that there even is a Russia.

Check your brackets: NCAA Sweet 16 set

Bet Roy Moore is into the Sweet 16… and probably college basketball, too.

DeVos blames educators for disastrous ‘60 Minutes’ interview

Well, anyone who’s ever educated her deserves some blame…

‘Stranger Things’ star Charlie Heaton addresses cocaine possession reports

…proving sometimes it’s better for an actor to forget their lines.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchin blew an astonishing $1 million in taxpayer money on only seven flights

C’mon, let’s be fair, that’s like one piece of extra luggage per flight on Delta…

Florida man awarded Charles Manson’s corpse

Damn, that’s the worst ‘I’ll trade it for what’s behind door number two’ on ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ ever.

John Chen to stay on as BlackBerry CEO through 2023

Be sure to congratulate him on his MySpace page.

The NRA slapped with a federal investigation into its Russia ties

As opposed to Chinese and Mexican ties, which are sold at the Trump Tower gift shop.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)