Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Human Rights lawyer Amal Clooney wears a regal yellow dress to Royal Wedding

… she arrived with her actor husband, George.

Mike Pence to Robert Mueller on Russia probe: ‘Wrap it up’

Hmmm, sounds like Mike’s picked out his carpet and drapes for the Oval Office…

An Israeli soccer team named themselves after Trump

… the team will still count it as a win even when the other team scores more goals!

Qatari investor confirms he was at Trump Tower meetings

Bigger question, why isn’t Qatari Airways called Air Qatar?

Oprah smokes dope

That would explain the Weight Watchers!

Kellyanne Conway: Expect staff changes in wake of McCain leak

She didn’t actually say it, she told someone, who told someone, who…

RIP Tom Wolfe dies at 87

Cat had the ‘The Right Stuff.’

Why isn’t Gina Haspel coming clean about torture?

Let’s waterboard her and find out…

Hilary Duff blasts neighbor for allegedly smoking weed all night

What do you expect when you live next door to ‘Hannah Montana?’

Golden State Warrior Coach Steve Kerr says there’s no way he could play in current NBA

Yeah, well, no surprise there, he is like in his 70’s, right?

Trump blasts immigrants: ‘These aren’t people. These are animals.’

Hey, that’s no way to talk about Melania; Ted Cruz, on the other hand…

DJ Khaled shares Mother’s Day post after revealing he refuses to perform oral sex

Damn, from the size of him, Dj Khaled looks like he’s just admitting to only thing he won’t eat.

Hawaii volcano: Kilauea erupts from summit spewing ash 30,000 ft

So, what’s the difference between Hawaii and Rudy Giuliani? One’s a spewing mountain of toxic gas that’s all over the news and the other’s an island in the Pacific.

Bill Gates was a little creeped out by how much Donald Trump knew about his daughter

Bill, you think that’s creepy? Get him talking about his own daughter…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)