Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to! Special Memorial Day edition, featuring Melissa McCarthy!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Sesame Street’ creators sue Melissa McCarthy’s new movie over ‘violent, copulating’ puppets

See what happens when you move from PBS to HBO!

Pizza Hut to start delivering cold beer alongside hot pizzas

… I’m shocked — shocked — that Pizza Hut has ever delivered a hot pizza!

Robert DeNiro bans Trump from every Nobu restaurant

Adding, he’ll throw Trump out saying: ‘Yeah, I’m talking to you. Do you see anyone else here?’

Sarah Sanders: It ‘bothers me’ being called a liar

Although, that may be a lie…

RIP Phillip Roth

I’m going to feel tremendous guilt for no real reason today in his honor.

Trump pardons Jack Johnson

… can’t wait for Trump to complain Johnson didn’t say thank you!

Former Phys-Ed teacher admits she had sex with 3 students

Let’s all just be grateful she wasn’t teaching them how to multiply.

Happy 80th Birthday, Tommy Chong

Chong, that rhymes with bong. Coincidence? You decide.

Kanye West paid 85 thousand dollars to use Whitney Houston’s bathroom

I’m guessing this was before Starbucks changed its policy.

Trump Jr. can’t remember talking to Trump Sr. about meeting the Russians

Damn, and he’s the smart son.

Lawyer caught on video in an anti-immigrant rant apologizes, saying: ‘I am not racist’

C’mon, Dude, you’d hands down win a show called ‘The Amazing Racist.’

Obamas sign deal with NetFlix

Look for the Trumps to go with NyetFlix.

Trump admin wants to lift restrictions on hunting wolves

… especially Michael Wolff, Michelle Wolf and Wolf Blitzer.

Megan Markle’s father lives in Mexico

Maybe she’ll get England to pay for that wall.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)