The Jerry Duncan Show Interview: Cher, the Goddess of Pop

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Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews the Goddess of Pop.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Cher, the Goddess of Pop.

Cher, Goddess of PopCHER

Thank you for that introduction.

JERRY

Why not? You’re my favorite singer.

CHER

Really?

JERRY

No. And I don’t like Sonny Bozo, either.

CHER

It’s Bono. And if you ever disrespect him again, you’ll end up on a meat hook in Jersey. Capiche?

JERRY

Yes, Godfather. Tell me about your childhood.

CHER

I was born Cherilyn Sarkisian in El Centro, California in 1946. My dad was a truck driver. I got the acting bug from my mom, an occasional model and bit part actress.

JERRY

When she was sober.

CHER

Hey. Who told you that?

JERRY

Your daughter Chastity. Your old lady was married more times than Henry the Eighth.

CHER

For your information, he’s my son Chaz. You see, he was a “she” then became a “he.” Bada-bing, bada-boom. Next question.

JERRY

How did you get started in show business?

CHER

I was a singer and actress. Dropped out of school at the age of 16 and moved to LA to make it big. I had balls.

JERRY

Like Chaz. Whoops.

CHER

Hey wise guy, just remember I don’t fart. I giggle with my anus.

JERRY

Sorry for that insensitive remark. Continue, my queen.

CHER

Was a waitress when I met Sonny. He asked me to be his housekeeper because he was busy producing records for Phil Spector.

JERRY

Spector, the little freak that shot and killed his date in 2003. He swore it was an accident when she kissed his gun. Even OJ Simpson doesn’t believe it.

CHER

You can sleep easy, Duncan. Spector is in the slammer for murder.

JERRY

Hold on there, raging hormones. How old was Sonny when you moved in?

CHER

Twenty seven.

JERRY

Jail bait. He got you babe.

CHER

Yeah? Well I got a recording career out the deal. Sonny even married me.

JERRY

And success just kept coming. I Got You Babe was the number 1 record in 1965. The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour ran for three seasons. But all good things come to an end. Right?

CHER

Yep. We got divorced after 11 years together. I was crushed, but determined. Started a solo career. I had hit after hit with songs like Gypsies & Thieves, Half Breed and Dark Lady. Then I starred in the movies Silkwood, Mask and Moonstruck for which I won best actress in 1987. My career was at a peak.

JERRY

Then came hard-rocker Greg Allman.

CHER

I married him. We got divorced. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

JERRY

You moved in with Gene Simmons from Kiss.

CHER

His tongue was too long. No room in the house. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

JERRY

I notice your nose is much shorter since 1965.

CHER

I’m the poster girl for plastic surgery. I don’t want to be remembered for the night I locked noses with Barbara Streisand at the Grammys. Thank goodness someone had a crowbar.

JERRY

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

CHER

Beats me.

JERRY

Because it would be a foot.

CHER

(Slaps his face) Snap out of it!

JERRY

What the hell was that for?

CHER

I was acting out a line from Moonstruck.

JERRY

You’re very political. You supported Hillary Clinton and Obama.

CHER

True. I grew up on the wrong side of town. Mitt Romney and Donald Trump don’t represent people like me. And the Republican party hates people like my son Chaz. I wish the Tea Party would all go to Boston and throw themselves overboard.

JERRY

But Sonny was a Republican congressman from California.

CHER

(Weeping) I know. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him. I ask myself. Why Sonny? Why did he do it?

JERRY

You mean die in a ski accident?

CHER

No. Became a Republican. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Dean Kaner
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