Ripping the Headlines Today: Historic Talks & More!

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump/Kim summit: US and North Korean leaders hold historic talks

No word if Kim brought coffee mugs to Summit from same store as giant envelope to draw attention to Trump’s tiny hands.

Willie Nelson reveals why he’s still ‘On the Road Again’ at 85

Uh, he’s smoked so much weed, he forgot where his house is…?

Merkel: G-7 summit with Trump was a ‘sobering’ experience

Really, Angela? ‘Cause it’s driving the rest of us to drink.

Justices side with Colorado baker on same-sex wedding cake

If gay people boycott working on straight people weddings, there’ll be no weddings….

Report: Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert believes he can build championship team without LeBron James

Ambien strikes again!

Manafort faces new indictment with witness tampering allegations, his attorneys deny he’s a flight risk

This guy doesn’t need a lawyer; he needs Kim Kardashian on his speed dial.

Giuliani says people who work in Porn should get zero respect

Really? Looks to me like the only difference right now between Stormy Daniel and Rudy is they both screw people for money, but Stormy is actually good at her job.

Rachel Dolezal, former NAACP leader who posed as a black woman, accused of welfare fraud

Not only isn’t she black, bet we find out she’s related to Meghan Markle on the white side of her family.

Trump didn’t know the words to ‘God Bless America’ during White House replacement event for Eagles celebration

Of course not, his name isn’t mentioned in it.

Man run down, 50 years after killing girl in hit-and-run

…now that’s ‘Carma.’

Trump: Trudeau’s criticism will cost Canada ‘a lot of money’

Damn, I didn’t know he could force Canada into investing in a real estate project with Jared Kushner.

New York’s Katz’s Deli offers a subscription service for its famous pastrami

Or, as it’s also known, a ‘Heart Bipastrami’ subscription.

Hannity: Mueller witnesses should ‘bash their phones to pieces’

Given the amount of people that’ll need new phones, I’m buying Apple stock!

Ivanka Trump tweeted a ‘Chinese proverb’ that doesn’t actually exist

Like Lincoln said ‘don’t trust everything you read on the internet.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)