Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kate Middleton in royal feud with Princess Beatrice

I can almost hear ‘The Nature Boy,’ Ric Flair: ‘Royal Rumble! Steel cage! Princess versus Duchess! One tiara! Wooooo!’

Law suit: Assistant principal gave staff perks in exchange for sex

That’s the difference between principals and principles.

‘Foreign actors’ accessed Hillary Clinton emails, documents show

Damn you to hell, Kates Winslet and Beckinsale!

Paul Manafort heading to jail, accused of witness tampering

Jail, or, as it’s also known, ‘Manafort’s Destiny.’

Trump slams ‘punch drunk,’ ‘low IQ’ Robert De Niro for ‘Tony’ outburst

So, it’s ‘Raging Bull’ against ‘Raging Bullsh*^^er.’

Sarah Huckabee Sanders to leave Trump Administration

…probably for the relative quiet of Syria.

Roseanne Barr now says ‘Planet of The Apes’ tweet was about anti-semitism

Well, in fairness, it was originally the ‘Planet of the Apebergs…’

Michael Avenatti: ‘Dazed and Confused’ Giuliani has ‘lost his mind’ after Joe Biden attack

I can’t be only one thinking Rudy Giuliani is setting up his own insanity defense…

Trump gave Kim a summit but left with little to show for it

Let’s face it, the Trump/Kim meeting was less a summit and more a meeting of the ‘Bad Hair Club for Men.’

Jamie Foxx denies allegations he hit a woman with his genitals

Although, so far, the evidence is only circumcisional.

Trump says he’ll punish ‘the people of Canada’

I can’t be only who wakes up every morning feeling better knowing we have a President who is taking no shit from Canada.

Happy 49th Birthday, Ice Cube

You’re getting near the age where your name is what you’ll need to put on your aching knees.

Kim Jong Un brings home propaganda victory

Kim better watch out, because Trump will someday dump him for Jonger Un.

Another racially charged incident at a Waffle House

It’s starting to look like the Waffle House uses Ambien as a seasoning.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)