Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New York State officials recommend legalizing Marijuana

Cool, now it can be known as the “Hempire State!”

Tour de France heats up as favorites falter

I can’t be the only one thinking ‘The Tour” would be way more interesting if the contestants also delivered newspapers.

Trump says he brought up 12 indicted Russians with Putin

No word whether to condemn them or thank them.

‪Papa John’s founder John Schnatter’s face will be removed from all pizza boxes

‪… and added to all bottles of Ambien!

Elon Musk apologizes to Thai cave diver for Twitter attack

Also offers free SpaceX ticket… ok, one way, but still…

Mandalay Bay owner MGM Resorts International SUES VICTIMS of deadly Las Vegas shooting

Really? They should also consider changing their name from MGM to WTF.

Outrage over Trump, Putin Helsinki meeting

So, the world’s going to Helsinki in a hand basket.

Canadian retailer Hudson Bay drops Ivanka Trump products from online store

Seems people were buying stuff and then sending the bill to Mexico.

The Butina indictment isn’t about the sex life of an accused spy. It’s about following Russian money in U.S politics

… and that NRA apparently stands for National Rubles Association.

Rudy Giuliani thinks The Michael Cohen/Trump tapes will clear Trump

Damn, that’s like Jeffrey Dahmer’s lawyer having said, ‘Check the freezer.’

Burberry burned more than $33M of its own merchandise

… sounds like someone thought someone said ‘burn baby.’

Trump blasts Montenegro

Hmmm, a country with the word ‘Negro’ in it. Coincidence? You decide.

Speed dating at Comic Con

So, people can find out quickly who they won’t be having sex with.

Would/Wouldn’t: Trump says wrong word to blame for backing Russia

Wondering if Trump’s favorite golfer is Tiger Wouldn’ts.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)