Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘American Pickers’ discover Aerosmith van from 1970s in Massachusetts woods

Wow, so that’s where Steven Tyler spent his 60s.

Tomi Lahren on Twitter: First time in San Fran – see a man snorting cocaine off the street

… Damn, how rich are the people in the Bay Area, even the bums can afford cocaine?

Happy birthday, Robert Mueller

What do get the guy who has everything… on tape?

Dangerous Eastern heatwave to topple records

How hot is it? It’s so hot police chalk outlines have sweat marks under their arms.

Trump defends son’s meeting with Russians as ‘totally legal’

3 Months from now: ‘Don Jr, barely know him. Ivana brought him around sometimes. Couldn’t pick him out of lineup…’

An openly LGBTQ Native American woman just won a Democratic House nomination in Kansas

I’m shocked: there’s a Democrat in Kansas?

Report: Police investigating J.R. Smith allegedly stealing and throwing picture-taking fan’s phone

LeBron’s like ‘now you throw something, Dude? Now?’

Texas Governor Greg Abbott tweets fake Winston Churchill quote on ‘anti-fascists’

He should have listened to Abraham Lincoln who said, ‘don’t trust everything you read on the internet.’

Brad Pitt fires back at Angelina Jolie; claims to have paid more than $9 million in child support

Isn’t that like $127.50 a kid?

Trump administration now attacking legal immigrants

In fairness, some people will do anything to get rid of their in-laws.

Manafort’s lawyer: My client is innocent because guilty people don’t leave this much evidence behind

… the famed Jeffrey Dahmer freezer defense.

‘Hot Insta’ model bitten by shark

Talk about being treated like a piece of meat!

New York Post: Man’s penis falls off after he ignored signs of cancer

Ironically, this story is just nuts… and now so is he!

Trump ate sensitive document after Cohen meeting, former White House aide, Omarosa claims

In fairness, it was probably covered in Russian dressing.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)