Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kanye changing his name

I’m thinking he should go by Cra Z.

Woman sues Delta Air Lines for letting drunk passenger who allegedly sexually assaulted her walk away, offering her $200 voucher as compensation

… and moved his seat to the Supreme Court.

Trump says he fell in love Kim Jung Un over his beautiful letters

Kim better watch out because Trump’ll one day leave him for a hotter Junger Un…

Houston votes to ban ‘sex robot brothel’ from opening

… damn, and I was so looking forward to the musical ‘The Best Little Whorehouse and Apple Store in Texas!!’

New NAFTA: U.S, Canada, Mexico agree to USMCA

Or, as Brett Kavanaugh calls it the BudDosEquisMolson Pact.

Banksy painting shreds itself after $1.4M sale at London auction

… uh, everybody’s a critic.

‘Jeopardy’s’ Alex Trebek moderated the Pennsylvania Gubernatorial debate

Damn, what’s next? A game show host as President…? Oh wait!… Never mind!

Happy 63rd birthday, Yo Yo Ma

Think how different your life would be if your name was Yo Ma Ma.

Dunkin’ Donuts employee fired for pouring water on sleeping homeless man

Which is even crueler if you realize it was hotter than a cup of their coffee…

Instagram down: App stops working as it refuses to load people’s pictures and profiles

… on the upside, if there’s no pic of your food you don’t put on any calories.

Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino sentenced to 8 months in prison

That’ll show all the people who said this guy could no longer get himself arrested!

By age 3, Donald Trump was earning $200,000 a year in today’s dollars from his father’s empire

Or, enough to pay off any nanny whose p&*sy he grabbed.

Chinese actresses BingBing was fined 132 million in back taxes

Damn, with that kinda money she should change her name to BlingBling.

Kavanaugh sworn in as Supreme Court justice after divided Senate votes for confirmation

C’mon, I can’t be the only worried someone who was accused of flashing showing up to work every day dressed in a robe.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)