Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

No more Google +

No word if Google posted an announcement or just contacted the six people who actually use it!

Donald Trump wants to bring back stop and frisk

But enough about his relationship with Ivanka.

Kavanaugh asks plenty of questions during arguments on first Supreme Court case

No word if he’ll vote for ‘tastes great’ or ‘less filling.’

Jeff Bezos’ fortune plummeted $9.1 billion after Amazon was crushed in the stock market rout

…Man, he may have to cancel his Amazon Prime…

Kanye West meets with Trump at White House, drops F-bomb

How long before Kanye blames his White House ramblings on Ambien? 5… 4… 3… 2…

Two high school students arrested after viral video shows them having sex in classroom

… Let’s all hope it wasn’t in a class about multiplication.

Toys R Us bankruptcy auction canceled… What’s next?

Uh, Geoffrey the Giraffe stops collecting unemployment?

Trump told Eric Trump and Michael Cohen to keep Stormy Daniels quiet

Which usually just requires turning the sound down on one of her DVDs.

Meghan Markle’s half-sister reportedly barred from Kensington Palace after trying to confront duchess at home

… making her a Royal’s pain in the ass.

Melania says SHE is the most bullied woman in the world

But, lady, you married him!

Chernobyl’s uninhabitable land is the home of a new solar plant

… bet it’s getting glowing reviews.

Justin Bieber ‘Doesn’t feel whole’ after getting married to Hailey Baldwin

‪Ironic, ‘cause he’s been described as a total A-hole.

A fatty, sugary diet can damage your memory, attention and mood in just four days, according to new research

Damn, how’d this headline start again?

Trump suggests Spain build a wall across African Sahara to stop migrants, minister says

Who knew Mexico had that much money?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)