The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Diane Feinstein and Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are California Senator Diane Feinstein and the newest member of the Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

DIANE FEINSTEIN

Good morning, Mr. Duncan.

BRETT KAVANAUGH

Mind if I drink beer during the interview? I like beer. Do you like beer?

JERRY

No. I don’t.

KAVANAUGH

I bet you smoke dope, Duncan.

FEINSTEIN

The only dope we’re talking about, Justice Kavanaugh, is you.

JERRY

Listen. Wise guy. I still don’t believe you have the temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice.

KAVANAUGH

Senator Collins said I did in her Senate testimonial about me.

JERRY

And her big nose grew bigger after she bored everyone to death.

FEINSTEIN

I can’t tell if Senator Collins has a small head and a big nose or a big nose and a small head. It bothers me, so I’ve called for a Senate hearing on the matter.

JERRY

Christine Blosey Ford alleged that you tried to rape her in the 80’s when you two were in high school.

KAVANAUGH

That was a political hit by Democrats and left wing activists. I never touched her.

JERRY

Silence. This interview will come to order.

KAVANAUGH

I’ll have a cold Bud and pretzels.

FEINSTEIN

Bring me a corn beef sandwich with mustard on the side. Does it come with slaw and fries?

JERRY

Shut up, you idiots. Continue, Senator.

FEINSTEIN

As you know, I’m against torture. That’s what three women have lived through the past three decades, because Justice Kavanaugh was a naughty boy. Alleged victim Julie Swetnick claimed you were spiking drinks in high school so girls couldn’t resist.

KAVANAUGH

That’s not torture.

FEINSTEIN

I know a little something about the word. I’ve been married three times.

KAVANAUGH

Okay, maybe one time. But I fell asleep, nothing happened.

FEINSTEIN

Alleged victim Deborah Ramirez said that you exposed yourself and thrust your penis against her face after drinking heavily at a college party in 1984.

KAVANAUGH

I was trying to get her attention, because she forgot her purse. Deborah should thank me.

JERRY

Many people said you were a sloppy drunk. An alcoholic if you will.

KAVANAUGH

That’s a lie. Alcoholics need a drink, but I’ve always had one.

JERRY

Hey, Senator Feinstein. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?

FEINSTEIN

It keeps them from rolling out of bed.

JERRY

How did you know the answer?

FEINSTEIN

I sleep with an old man. I’m 85 years old.

KAVANAUGH

85? I’m 53. You’re old enough to be my mother.

FEINSTEIN

Yes. And don’t ever talk back to me or I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.

JERRY

Justice Kavanaugh. Now that you’re on the Supreme Court. I’m sure we can expect you’ll strike down the Clean Act Regulation, give the president immunity from prosecution of the Russian investigation while he’s in office. Certainly vote to overturn Roe v Wade.

KAVAUGH

Thank you for the reminder. I’ll do all those things and whatever else my Lord Donald Trump wants.

JERRY

Brettster. Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?

KAVANUGH

No clue.

JERRY

Because his pecker is on his head just like yours. See you tomorrow everyone.

Author
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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.