Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Is Tilray a better Canadian marijuana stock to buy than Aurora Cannabis?

Hmmmmm, I’m thinking the best marijuana stock to buy is Doritos.

Jared Kushner reportedly paid no taxes for years

He probably used the accounting firm ‘H & R Chip Off the Old Block!’

China-US surplus hits record, adding fuel to trade war

In fairness, most of that is from Kanye buying MAGA caps.

RIP Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen

No word if they almost brought him back to life by unplugging and re-plugging his life support equipment.

Hillary Clinton contradicts Monica Lewinsky’s claim that affair with Bill Clinton was ‘gross abuse of power

We can all agree if they stopped at ‘gross.’

Dennis Hof, Bunny Ranch Brothel owner died

They’re asking people that in lieu of flowers to just leave cash on the nightstand on their way out.

Warren releases DNA test suggesting distant Native American ancestor

… while Eric Trump’s DNA test came back 50% Gary Busey.

What players need to know if they win this week’s $1.6 Billion Mega Millions lottery jackpot

That my congratulations are sincere, Mom!

Trump doesn’t want to blame the Saudis for Khashoggi’s murder

I guess there are good people on both sides.

Happy 56th Birthday, Evander Holyfield

And, a happy 22nd to your ear.

Ex-GOP Rep. Jason Chaffetz tweeted a photo of himself at Disneyland with a wooden statue of a Native American he called ‘Elizabeth Warren’

He then took a ride on ‘It’s a Small-Minded World After All’

It’s #NationalPastaDay

If it were a TV show, it’d be called, ‘House of Carbs.’

Two easy steps to a toned body

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Trump’s going to Texas to help Cruz

That’s like sending Jeffrey Dahmer to rescue the Donner party.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)