Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Kardashian sisters just wore the sexiest, nakedest Halloween look EVER

…Or, as they called it ‘Wednesday.’

Marijuana investors may lose 90% of their money in Canada

On the upside, they won’t remember how much they originally invested.

Woman who claims to have had sex with 20 ghosts now engaged to one

Here’s betting she’s registered at Bed, Bath and the Great Beyond!

Mike Pence is under fire for appearing with a fake Rabbi to commemorate the Pittsburgh shooting

… can’t wait for Kellyanne Conway to say, “he’s not a ‘fake Rabbi’ but an ‘alternative Rabbi.”

Dad apologizes after Nazi father-son Halloween costume faces backlash

The real question: How did he Nazi the backlash coming?

Prince Harry shares touching photo of pregnant wife Meghan

… although there is no photo of touching that led to pregnancy.

Happy 51st Birthday, Vanilla Ice

Now when you sing “Ice, Ice, Baby,” it’s probably for aching knees!

Burmese pythons invading Everglades

… while I prefer my Pythons to be of the Monty variety!

Kanye says he feels used

Translation: I supported Donald Trump, and all I got was this stupid MAGA cap.

Mueller wants FBI to look at a scheme to discredit him for sexual harassment

Sounds like the plan is for Trump to take Mueller off Russia probe and put him on Supreme Court.

50 Cent jumps into the Nicki Minaj and Steve Madden drama

So, after putting in his two cents worth, does that make him now ‘48 Cent?’

Whitey Bulger was killed in prison at age 89, Megyn Kelly is out of a job

Damn, bad week for whitey.

U.S added 250,000 jobs in October

… but most of those were people sitting in for Megyn Kelly on the “Today Show.”

Google employees worldwide staging walkout to protest response to sexual misconduct claims

Or, as it should be known as ‘#MeToogle.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)