Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump blames the leaders of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania for the war in Yugoslavia. Turns out he mixed up Balkans and Baltics

I totally get it. I once blamed the Three Stooges for bad car repair, when I meant to blame the Pep Boys: Manny, Moe and Jack.

Kansas City police recover giant inflatable colon

… describing the search as one giant pain in the ass.

U.S. Rep. Steve King wins re-election despite furor over his views

Shouldn’t that be spelled ‘Fuhrer?’

Talk that Trump Jr. to be indicted by Mueller soon

… look for Trump Sr. to say he barely knew Jr. … campaign volunteer, hung around the house a bit as a kid, couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.

Dennis Hof, the brothel owner who died last month, wins election

I’d say he’s in a better place, but, let’s face it, that can’t be true!

Reports are that Trump all but abandoned his black voter outreach efforts

So, I guess that means no one remembered to wake up Ben Carson to go vote.

Dems take back House promise return to ‘checks and balances’

And when it comes to Trump, there’s always lots of ‘bad checks’ and ‘overdrawn balances.’

Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh join Trump at a rally the night before the midterms

It’ll be packed if all their ex-wives show up!

Oprah seen knocking on doors in Georgia

… or, maybe, it was Megyn Kelly!

Kanye donated $126,000 to a liberal Chicago Dem candidate for Mayor

In Trump dollars, that’s enough to pay off one porn star.

Trump: ‘I think I am a great moral leader.’

Jeffrey Dahmer: ‘I think I’m a vegetarian.’

Tokophobia is the very real fear of giving birth–and it stops some women from ever getting pregnant

Not to be confused with Yokophobia, the fear a girlfriend or spouse will cause a band to breakup.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg hospitalized with 3 broken ribs

No word if Kavanaugh has an alibi!

Arizona could wait a week to learn who its next U.S. senator will be

Hey, hurry that up, I’ve been to Arizona. A lot of the people there don’t have that long!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)