Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Report: Behind closed doors Pelosi disparaged Trump’s manhood

Hmmmm, she probably called him ‘Individual 1 Inch!’

Scientists believe they have just discovered a parallel universe

So, that’s where all those damn lost socks are!

Melania Trump racked up $174,000 in hotel bills for a day trip to Toronto

… see what happens when you use the fridge and take the robe home.

Kirk Douglas is 102 years old today!

Yup, when he made ‘Spartacus‘ it was a contemporary thriller.

Trump calls hush money payments a ‘simple private transaction’

Shouldn’t that be ‘privates?’

Charlie Sheen celebrates 365 days of sobriety

… although no word if those days were in a row.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders wants her legacy to be for honesty and transparency

That would be like Jeffrey Dahmer wanting to be known for a vegetarian cookbook!

Kevin Hart ‘Oscar’ controversary continues

Ok, so I’m guessing Kevin Hart won’t be hosting the ‘Tonys.’

Chris Christie tells Trump he doesn’t want to be Chief of Staff

So, if your last name ends in a D, you’re up next!

BateWorld hosts a vibrant community of straight men who enjoy masturbating together

Now we’re talking info that comes in handy.

Human heart found on Southwest flight, causing plane to turn around

… damn, they found a human heart and still can’t find my lost luggage.

Archaeologists just unearthed 8 mummies dating back to 300 B.C.

Or, as Larry King calls it a reunion of his high school graduating class…

Middle School student dumps Trump from his name after bullying

I’m shocked. I thought Eric Trump had already graduated from middle school.

The Latest: China confirms holding 2 Canadians

Please, please let it be Ted Cruz and Justin Bieber!!!!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)