What’s your sign? Check out your Funny Horoscope January 2019, and the outlook for all those jerks you know, right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your Funny Horoscope January 2019. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them, too! (Check out past funny horoscopes here.)
 |
Aries: Sure, you can make a new year’s resolution to lead it all in house, but consider who does all the shit you don’t want to first. |
 |
Taurus: Diets are like politicians denying themselves raises: they don’t work, so pick a better resolution. |
 |
Gemini: New year’s resolutions don’t fit twins. |
 |
Cancer: Don’t make resolutions about your home cause that’d be like Trump promising to crack down on immigration laws. |
 |
Leo: Happy New Year, Lions! Keep your nails clean and the bloody remains out of your teeth, like Ivanka Trump. |
 |
Virgo: After you’ve created a Vin Diagram for your new year’s resolutions, throw it away and read Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. |
 |
Libra: Like a Drag Queen contest, you’re as fair as Dolly Parton, so keep those resolutions off your Scales of Justice. |
 |
Scorpio: If you plan to build a wall to keep out compassion during 2019, just think about all the butterflies you’re destroying too. |
 |
Sagittarius: Resolute to focus on a couple of goals, not everywhere you want to stick your arrow. |
 |
Capricorn: Like a 50-year-old feminist, you’re already resolute enough. |
 |
Aquarius: Resolutions to give a few dollars a month to massive non-profit organizations are truly disgusting. |
 |
Pisces: If the action stops at the voting booth, the resolution never happens. |
Jennifer Hollie Bowles is a writer and small business owner.She has been studying Astrology for about twenty years, but she finds limiting it to sun signs quite humorous.
Latest posts by Jennifer Hollie Bowles (see all)
- Horoscopes for Jerks: July 2019 - July 15, 2019
- Horoscopes for Jerks: June 2019 - May 30, 2019
- Horoscopes for Jerks: May 2019 - April 29, 2019
