Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. - David Martin, Humor Times

We’re Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc., and we’ve got the answers to your tax filing questions.

Have you filed your taxes yet? With the April 15^th deadline having just passed, you’re probably starting to panic but relax; we’re here to help. We’re Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc., and we’ve got the answers to your tax filing questions.

I’m a small businessman and my business requires me to travel a lot, especially to south Florida. Can I deduct my travel expenses for income tax purposes?

Probably, yes, at least in part. But we’ve discovered an even better approach, where you don’t pay for any of those travel expenses. Just declare your home address as 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and then anywhere you travel qualifies as government business and you’re off the hook.

I used to deduct significant charitable contributions on my income tax but now the IRS says I have to back up all those claims with receipts. What can I do?

You’re absolutely right but there’s no cause for concern. Simply create your own charitable foundation. Then not only can you issue your own receipts, you can also channel all kinds of financial transactions through your foundation as charitable contributions. (HANDY HINT: Set up a straw bidder at auction to buy a portrait of you with foundation funds.)

For the first time ever, I’m being audited by the IRS and I’m terrified. What should I do?

You should thank your lucky stars; that’s what. Audits take years and seldom amount to very much. On the other hand, they provide a handy excuse to not release your tax returns if some busybody Democrats should come nosing around.

Every year for years I’ve received a sizable refund from the IRS. This year, it looks like I’m going to owe them a big amount. What the heck happened?

The short answer is that a lot of people voted for our CEO, Donald J. Trump, for President. The long answer is a bit more complicated but had to do with the White House having the IRS withhold less tax at source to make it look like the average worker was benefiting bigly from a minor tax cut.

I live in New York City and I used to be able to deduct my state and local property taxes when calculating my federal income tax owing. Now there’s a $10,000 limit on that deduction. What can I do?

Since you live in New York City, we take it you didn’t vote for our boss, Mr. Trump. All we can suggest is that maybe in the future choose to live in a red state rather than a blue state and your state and local property taxes will likely be a whole lot less. Either that or get your state to vote for Mr. Trump next time and hope for a new tax break. Lesson learned?

I am a proud, longstanding member of the American middle class and I voted for Mr. Trump because he promised a big tax break for my income group. What happened?

Be patient. There were lots of big tax breaks in the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act but they initially went to the very rich like Mr. Trump which is only fair because he’s the one who came up with the idea. Most of this will eventually trickle down to you but only if you’re polite and don’t complain about your tax situation.

I notice that for the 2018 and 2019 tax years, I can deduct any medical expenses over 7.5% of my adjusted gross income rather than the previous limit of 10%. How can I take advantage of this provision?

Once you’ve got your adjusted gross income down as low as humanly possible, consider any possible “medical” procedures you might want to have done now such as hair transplants, hair weaves and Propecia infusions. (HANDY HINT: Don’t forget to set up some dynasty trusts to circumvent those nasty gift and estate taxes.)

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.