Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bill Nye in defense of the Green New Deal: ‘The planet’s on f—king fire!’

Bill Nye dropping the F Bomb about Climate Change is like Mister Rogers telling you you’re f–king up the neighborhood! Damn!

Trump lawyers to need lawyers over fallout from Michael Cohen’s lie to Congress

So, MAGA = Make Attorneys Get Attorneys.

Happy 35th Birthday, Mark Zuckerberg

What do you get the guy who has everything on everyone?!

Mom tests positive for opiates after eating everything bagel with poppy seeds on it

Damn, her reputation was totally schmeared.

Newsweek: Trump told supporters Kim Jong Un killed his uncle and displayed his head

… no word as to why Kim had it in for Trump’s uncle.

Miami Herald: Scientists discover cocaine in fish tested from English rivers, study say

Hmmmmm, I guess that’s why they call them Blow Fish.

Alabama wants to ban abortion, gay sex

Damn, but isn’t gay sex the best way to avoid abortions?

Harry and Meghan’s son Prince Archie is 7^thin line to the throne

… Making him the Tiffany Trump of Royalty.

Attorney General William Barr to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: ‘Did you bring your handcuffs?’

Hey, Barr, you wish!

Police arrest woman, 58, who keeps trespassing at the CIA headquarters and asking to speak to ‘Agent Penis’

Ironically, they gave her the shaft.

RIP, Doris Day

We’ll never be able to get you or ‘Que Sera, Sera’ out of our heads.

Felicity Huffman gets 4 months in Prison

Or, she can binge serve all her time in one day as a Netflix prison subscriber.

NBA Draft Lottery happened

Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where you go in the NBA Draft Lottery, you’ll eventually wind up with a Kardashian.

Trump Tower is now one of NYC’s least-desirable luxury buildings

On the upside for Trump, less witnesses for shady meetings with Russians.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)