The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Democratic Debaters

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews three of the Democratic debaters running for the presidential nomination.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are three Democratic debaters, presidential candidates running in 2020: Former Vice President Joe Biden, Senator Bernie Sanders and Senator Elizabeth Warren.

BIDEN

Can I kiss your head?

SANDERS

Can I bring you some chicken soup?

WARREN

Can we smoke a peace pipe?

JERRY

No. Larry, Moe and Curly.

JERRY

Senator Sanders. You said that convicts would be able to vote from prison. Some of these dudes have committed murder. Should we allow it?

SANDERS

Why not? Go to www.felonsforBernie.com These are my peeps.

JERRY

Hey, Bernster. Why did the credit card go to jail?

SANDERS

I don’t know.

JERRY

It was guilty as charged.

SANDERS

(pulling his hair out)

Oy vey.

WARREN

My Cherokee cousin told me, “Prisoner who paints in jail will have brush with the law.”

SANDERS

What is this? Last Comic Standing?

BIDEN

Bernie may understand felons, but he doesn’t get the middle class. Like the folks in Ohio and Pennsylvania who are proud to work, but struggling to get by paycheck to paycheck. I’m going to raise the minimum wage and create high paying jobs.

WARREN

You tell em, Joe. Close the loopholes that benefit shareholders over laborers.

SANDERS

That isn’t realistic, Warren. You’re losing your mind. I heard when two robbers stole your TV last month that you chased after them saying, “you forgot the remote.”

WARREN

I feel bad. I didn’t put in batteries.

JERRY

What makes any of you think you can beat Donald Trump?

WARREN

Because I believe in Medicare for all. It will ease healthcare costs and reduce drug prices. Americans won’t go broke.

BIDEN

Climate change. If we don’t save our planet, Trump will be a pile of orange slush in the Oval Office. Come to think of it, that’s a good thing.

SANDERS

Joe. You’re wrong. We have polar bears searching for ice.

WARREN

That’s terrible. Can you imagine a Polar Bear on thin ice?

JERRY

It’s what you call an ice breaker.

WARREN

I can beat the president on a big issue, free college tuition. For students wanting a higher education, it’s the difference between Donald Trump and the rear end of a horse.

JERRY

There is no difference, Senator.

WARREN

Good point, Duncan.

BIDEN

Hey, Warren. Do you know why redneck murder cases are so hard to solve?

WARREN

You making fun of us Okies?

BIDEN

No. Just sayin all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

SANDERS

I think this calls for a molar investigation.

JERRY

As Trump would say, Fake Chews. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.