The Brand New U. S. Citizenship Test

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An exclusive, surprising peek at Trump’s proposed new ‘Citizenship Test’

citizenship testOne of Donald Trump’s key campaign promises was to reform the immigration system, but so far he has accomplished little on this front. However, rumor has it that he has a concrete proposal for the upcoming presidential campaign, a proposal which includes a brand new U. S. Citizenship Test:

• Who was the best President ever?

  1. Abraham Lincoln
  2. First-term Trump
  3. Second-term Trump
  4. Two-term Trump

(zero points for 1, two points for 2 or 3 and three points for 4)

• What does MAGA stand for?

(two points for “Make America Great Again”, one point for “Mar-a-Lago Gala” and minus five points for “Make Abortion and Gun Control Available”)

• Mexican immigrants include

  1. drug dealers
  2. criminals
  3. rapists
  4. fine people

(two points for any answer except 4)

• Donald hooks his first shot into the woods, shanks his second shot, lands in a sand trap on his third shot, takes two shots to hit the green and then three-putts. What is his score for the hole?

  1. birdie
  2. par four
  3. bogey
  4. triple bogey

(three points for 1, two points for 2, zero points for 3 and minus two points for four)

• Which of these sources is fake news?

  1. The failing New York Times
  2. Jeff Bezos’ Washington Post
  3. Sarah Huckabee Sanders
  4. Fox News

(two points for 1 or 2 and minus two points for 3 or 4)

• Donald Trump’s Inaugural crowd was

  1. Huge
  2. Fabulous
  3. The biggest ever
  4. All of the above

(one point for 1, 2 or 3 and three points for 4)

• President Trump’s net worth is

  1. Billions and billions
  2. Fantastic
  3. More than anyone else
  4. Much less than you’d think

(two points for 1, 2 or 3 and zero points for 4)

• Donald Trump’s handicap is

  1. Four
  2. Three
  3. Tiger Woods’ level
  4. A lack of foreign policy experience

(one point for 1, two for 2, three for 3 and minus four for 4)

• What is the supreme law of the land?

(three points for any answer including the word Trump and no points for the Constitution)

• What are the most important words in American politics?

  1. We the People
  2. The Bill of Rights
  3. Make America Great Again
  4. Donald Trump

(no points for 1 or 2, two points for 3 and four points for 4)

• What is the rule of law?

  1. Everyone must follow the law
  2. Leaders must follow the law
  3. No one is above the law
  4. Donald Trump is above the law

(three points for 4 only)

Add up your citizenship test scores. If the total is less than zero, please report to the nearest deportation center. If your total is less than ten, please report to the nearest reeducation camp. If you score between ten and twenty, citizenship is yours for any four-figure contribution to the Trump Reelection Committee. Twenty-one to twenty-four means you’re automatically a new American. If you score twenty-five, congratulations; you’re now a member of President Trump’s cabinet.

David Martin
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