Interview: Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today, I’m pleased to announce that my guests are the President of Russia Vladimir Putin and his intern Donald Trump. Er, President of the United States.

JERRY

Good morning, President Putin.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Morning nice, Duncanova. I arrest if interview bad.

DONALD TRUMP

Tough, tough man. I always tell everyone to visit Russia before Russia visits you.

JERRY

Putster. I heard rumors you are thinking about going back to Marx.

PUTIN

Communism better system. Marx genius. Only leader have money.

TRUMP

Who’s your favorite Marx — Groucho or Chico?

JERRY

You idiot. It’s Karl Marx, the Commie.

TRUMP

I knew that.

JERRY

No. You didn’t. Lie number 10,307.

TRUMP

People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.

JERRY

Putster. You have a big parade planned for May in Moscow.

PUTIN

Yes. We have 75 year since end of World War 2. I invite Trump.

TRUMP

And I accepted. I’ll be on the reviewing stand between Kim Jong-un and Putin.

JERRY

Hey, Trumpster. Why do dictators like to go shopping in the early morning?

TRUMP

No clue.

JERRY

Because they love to beat the crowds.

TRUMP

Very bad. Very bad.

JERRY

How was the G20 summit?

TRUMP

We discussed the GDP with all the world leaders. 85% of the world’s wealth comes from 20 nations. The rest are losers.

PUTIN

Good meeting. I learn about banks. Did you know frogs deposit money in river bank?

TRUMP

Wow. I think I’ll do money laundering there. Those banks must be hopping.

JERRY

Putster. Do you promise you won’t meddle in the U.S. elections in 2020?

PUTIN

(laughs) I put petal to the meddle.

TRUMP

Russia, if you’re listening.

PUTIN

We are.

TRUMP

Help me..help you. Help me, help you.

JERRY

Hold on, Jerry McGuire. I’m face timing Bernie Sanders. He’s very upset.

JERRY

There you are, you old geezer. What’s on your mind?

SANDERS

Some blintzes and a knish from Junior’s Deli in Brooklyn.

JERRY

C’mon.

SANDERS

First, Trump is undermining our democracy with Putin’s help.

TRUMP

Fake news.

SANDERS

Second, he is enriching himself and his wealthy cronies at the expense of the American taxpayer.

TRUMP

Whenever you feel stupid, just remember. Someone out there is voting for Bernie Sanders.

SANDERS

Third, Trump has no health care plan. 20 million Americans will lose coverage.

TRUMP

Bernie is so old, the back of his head looks like a raison.

SANDERS

Fourth..

JERRY

Interview over, Professor Einstein.

PUTIN

Wait, Duncanova. Man who sit on tack gets point.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

Author
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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.