Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Anderson Cooper

Anderson Cooper’s beard gets mocked by Conan O’Brien and Twitter

Clearly, Anderson Cooper doesn’t need a beard… literally or figuratively.

On this day in 1781 Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Governor Felipe de Neve

Would’ve been sooner, but y’know, the 405.

Trump used a Sharpie to show Hurricane Dorian could have hit Alabama

In fairness, he probably thinks he’s qualified to give weather reports after having sex with someone named Stormy.

50 Cent says Chris Brown is the new king of pop, ‘better’ than Michael Jackson

… Although, he’ll now be known as 48 Cent after giving his 2 cents worth.

Pope Francis rescued by Vatican firefighters after getting stuck in elevator for 25 minutes

Holy smokes!

Happy 78th birthday, Bernie Sanders

Or, as Bernie would say: “HAPPY 78th BIRTHDAY, BERNIE SANDERS.”

Kobe says he and Shaq could’ve won 12 rings if Shaq had stayed in shape

So, instead of “The Lord of the Rings,” Shaq chose to be ‘The Lord of the Onion Rings.’

Trump is melting down because China won’t give in on trade

I totally get it, I think I’m melting down from something that’s gone bad in my Moo Shu.

Miley and Kaitlynn were spotted all over each other on a lunch date …

Well, after watching what’s available at the Straight Guy Pride Parade who can really blame them?

Meghan McCain pounces on Pam Anderson over Julian Assange: “He’s a Cyberterrorist!”

This is an example of the “Blonde Misleading Blonde.”

Antonio Brown agrees to deal with Patriots hours after split with Raiders

Look for the TV show based on it called “Saved by the Belichick.”

Scaramucci says Trump’s Team Is hiding Trump’s mental decline

So, that’s another thing they suck at.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz formally announces he won’t run in 2020

Or, as Chris Farley would’ve said, “Well, Latte-Frickin’-Da!”

Forever 21 is closing

…to be replaced by Forever Chapter 11.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)