The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Mother Goose Characters

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Mother Goose Characters Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill, and Little Miss Muffet.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Mother Goose characters Humpty Dumpty, Jack and Jill, and Little Miss Muffet.

JERRY

Good morning, Wack Pack.

WACK PACK

(in unison) Good morning.

HUMPTY DUMPTY

Do you have a cup of coffee? I just fell off a frickin wall.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET

That’s because Dumpty is an illegal. Donald Trump built the wall for a reason. We don’t want more Mother Goose characters over here unless they can support themselves.

JERRY

So you’re a Trumpster.

MUFFET

You betcha. Take for instance the Old Woman Who Lives In A Shoe. She has so many kids that she doesn’t know what to do. So the government gives her food stamps and public assistance.

JILL

You try living in a shoe, Muffet. You freak out if you see a spider!

MUFFET

That woman is so old, she was a crossing guard when Moses parted the Red Sea.

JACK

I need government help, too. Last year, I fell down a hill when I was trying to fetch a pail of water. And Jill came tumbling after. Good thing we have Medicare, because the two of us ended up in emergency.

JERRY

Do you agree with Senator Bernie Sanders that there should be Medicare for all?

JACK

Absolutely. Mental health is plaguing our nation. Free counseling may prevent suicide and depression. It’s getting so bad, a young musician in my neighborhood committed suicide and didn’t leave a note.

DUMPTY

Enough with the small talk. Where’s my coffee?

JERRY

Hey, Dumpty. Drinking too much coffee can cause latte problems.

MUFFET

Did you ever try sad coffee?

DUMPTY

Get out of here. What’s it really called?

MUFFET

Depresso.

JILL

Having Trump in office for 3 years, I want some of that.

JACK

Me. too.

JERRY

Muffet. I hear you’re dating Jack Be Nimble.

MUFFET

True. He’s amazing.

JERRY

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candle stick.

If Jack so nimble, if Jack so quick, then was he in the hospital with a burnt______? (fill in the blank).

MUFFET

Jack is just fine.

JERRY

Dumpty. What’s that hairy thing in your hand?

DUMPTY

It’s my pet tarantula Pence.

MUFFET

(screams) I’m scared of spiders! Haven’t you read the nursery rhyme about me? Get that thing out of here.

DUMPTY

Don’t worry. Pence is scared of women, owls and snakes. Also weasels, except White House Senior Advisor Stephen Miller.

JERRY

Speaking of weasels. What do you think about Senator “Moscow” Mitch McConnell cutting a deal with the Russians to open an aluminum plant in Kentucky? The Trumpster agreed to take Russian oligarch and plant owner Oleg Deripaska off the U.S. sanctions list.

JILL

Thanks to Trump and Moscow Mitch, the Russians have corrupted our government.

DUMPTY

What’s the difference between God and a Conservative?

JACK

God knows He’s not a Republican.

MUFFET

Make American Great Again in 2020.

DUMPTY

(lets Pence loose) I don’t get it. Pence likes you, Muffet. He’s headed your way.

MUFFET

Help! Save me! I’ll even vote Democratic.

JERRY

Muffet is having a meltdown. See you tomorrow.

Author
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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.