Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Leonardo DiCaprio meets Greta Thunberg: “Leader of our time.”

You can see why DiCaprio doesn’t like Climate Change. Global Warming = No icebergs = No “I’m the king of the world!”

Kanye says he got a $68M tax refund thanks to Jesus

… Who knew Jesus worked for Adidas?

Scientists have trained rats to drive tiny cars

…. so that someday Stephen Miller can be an Uber driver.

Meghan McCain goes off on “wannabe” TV star Rep. Matt Gaetz

Yeah… who does Gaetz think his father is anyway?

Man stabbed to death at a Popeye’s Chicken

Unlike the usual cause of death from Popeye’s… hypertension and heart disease!

Lara Trump calls migrants, “the Downfall of Germany”

Seems too many hot, young Eastern European trophy wives were screwing things up.

Happy 73rd birthday. Sally Field

In case your hearing’s not as sharp, ‘WE LIKE YOU, WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!’

Kylie Jenner recreates Britney Spears and Madonna’s iconic kiss with BFF Stassie Karanikolaou

Big deal, I’d be more impressed if she had spelled Karanikolaou…

McDonald’s fires CEO Steve Easterbrook after relationship with employee

Yup, word is, he used the McDonald’s condoms which are McRibbed for your pleasure.

5 things we know about Keanu Reeves’s ‘age-appropriate’ girlfriend, artist Alexandra Grant

Number 1: He doesn’t have to get her home before curfew…

Democratic challenger Beshear upsets Republican Bevin in Kentucky Gubernatorial race in Trump rebuke

Trump’s has to be thinking Kentucky’s really ungrateful given all the money he’s spent at KFCs.

Principal, teacher suspended after student dresses as Hitler in parade

How could they not Nazi that coming?

Giuliani henchman Lev Parnas ‘very upset’ Trump claimed not to know him

Who can blame him? After Trump screws you, he usually pays you 130 thou to pretend like you never met!

Trump’s talking returning to Reality TV with Mark Burnett

Who’s gonna sponsor it… The Really, Really, Really White Castle?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)