It’s not just Perry who thinks that Trump is the Almighty’s Chosen One.
Note: If you are reading this you are among the chosen ones.
In an interview this week, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that President Donald J. Trump was “chosen by the Lord to lead the United States, just as he selected the kings to rule over Israel in the Old Testament.” Perry went on to declare that Trump was not perfect (oh no, don’t burst my bubble) but that “God has used imperfect people throughout history.” He followed up by saying that “Trump has the full support of the Holy Trinity; the Father, the Son and that other one whose name I have forgotten. Perhaps it’s the Virgin Mary. No, she’s probably not a fan. Maybe it’s Moses.”
It isn’t just Perry who thinks that Trump is the Almighty’s favorite. Mike Pompeo, Nikki Halley and Sarah Sanders have all claimed that “The Donald” was handpicked by the Heavenly Father to lead our great country. But it’s not just sycophants who work, or had worked, for him who believe this. The president himself has declared that he is the Chosen One. And in a Fox News poll, registered voters were asked if they believed that God wanted Trump to become president. It turns out that 25% believed he did while 62% said no he didn’t and 14% were unsure. Math apparently isn’t Fox News’ strong suit.
Chosen Ones are people of destiny, who have often been foretold by a prophecy that they would become great leaders. They are often destined to bring profound changes to their country or the world. Some of the more famous ones have included Luke Skywalker, Azor Ahai and, of course, Harry Potter.
But personally, I’m not convinced that Trump is our Creator’s Chosen One or that God had anything to do with Trump’s 2016 election victory. So I decided to visit heaven and speak to the Lord in order to get the true story. Given the fact that I had been an altar boy, I was confident that the big guy would give me an audience — which he did.
Here is a transcript of our conversation:
Me: Hi God. It’s me, John. Can you help me clear up an issue back on Earth?
God: Sure John. What’s the problem?
Me: Well you remember Donald J. Trump.
God: You mean the hotel fella with the funny hair?
Me: Yes.
God: I’m a wonderful creator but I’ll be damned if I didn’t screw up that head of hair.
Me: Yes you did. But he’s now President of the United States after beating Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election.
God: Yes, I heard about that. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t high on either of them.
Me: A lot of people are now saying that Trump is the Chosen One.
God: Chosen by whom?
Me: By you.
God: By me! That’s crazy. Can’t they see how flawed he is? He has broken most of my commandments.
Me: Well, they claim that throughout history you have selected individuals to rule who were not without faults including some of the early kings of Israel.
God: That is true. King David, of David and Goliath fame, committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband killed. And King Solomon, whom you all think was so wise, ended up with seven hundred wives. What he forgot was that seven hundred wives means seven hundred mother-in- laws. He didn’t always think things through.
The thing is, I picked some really horrible men to rule – – – Caligula, Tiberius, Ivan the Terrible and Attila the Hun – – – to name just a few. People just chalked it up to the fact that I work in mysterious ways. But, the fact is, I’m just not very good at choosing Earth’s leaders. So after the Enlightenment I decided you guys might be up to the task and I stepped away from politics.
In the U.S. you are so insistent about that separation of church and state thing that I thought I should stay out of your elections altogether. I must say, Americans have elected some good presidents. I especially liked that Lincoln chap.
Me: So you didn’t meddle in the 2016 election to help Trump?
God: No. That must have been someone else.
Me: Then I can go home and announce that Trump is not the Chosen One.
God: Absolutely.
Me: Do you get involved in anything on Earth or are we on our own?
God: Oh, I meddle in some things but these days it’s mainly in sports. The 1980 Miracle on Ice was my doing as was the Mets 1969 World Series win and I assisted in many of Odell Beckham’s catches. Of course, the Cubs would never have won in 2016 without divine intervention. And I do my best to keep the New England Patriots from winning, but despite my best efforts, they usually find a way to win. I think they may be getting help from Lucifer. I need to put more effort against them in the play-offs.
Me: OK, thanks God. I’ll see you in a few decades.
God: We’ll see.
So there you have it! Donald Trump is not the Chosen One and you probably shouldn’t pick the Patriots to win this year’s Super Bowl.
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