The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Mister Rogers

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Fred Rogers of “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven my guest is Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

FRED ROGERS

Won’t you be my neighbor?

JERRY

Hell no. I like it here on earth.

ROGERS

Boys and girls. Mister Duncan used a bad word. What does hell mean? It means doing an interview with the devil on The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Okay, Smarty-pants. Why will you never see Satan in an Armani suit?

ROGERS

I don’t know.

JERRY

The Devil Wears Prada.

ROGERS

Mister Duncan cracked a funny, boys and girls. Let’s put our hands together and clap. Yay!

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Okay, Freddie. You have a long career on television.

ROGERS

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood ran for 34 years. We covered many topics like death, sibling rivalry, divorce.

JERRY

Fine and dandy. But you have a dark side.

ROGERS

What are you talking about? I’m perfect.

JERRY

You’re a lifelong Republican.

ROGERS

Oops. Boys and girls. Mister Rogers made a boo boo. Remember the sound of a gasser after you eat baked beans? We must always apologize.

ROGERS

Okay, Mister Duncan. I’ll atone for my past. Can I show you my favorite sock puppets? Republican Congressman Jim Jordan and Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff.

JERRY

Bring it on.

Rogers puts the Jordan puppet over his right hand and the Schiff puppet over his left hand.

ROGERS

I call Congressman Jordan, Mister Mean. And Congressman Schiff, Mister Nice.

MISTER NICE

You are a bad, bad man, Mister Mean. Defending the Trumpster after he bribed Ukrainian President Zelensky.

MISTER MEAN

You lie, Mister Nice. Trump gave military aid to the Ukrainians. No mention of Joe and Hunter Biden.

MISTER NICE

The aid came after he was caught by the whistleblower.

MISTER MEAN

The whistleblower didn’t make it to work the past 2 days.

MISTER NICE

How would you know?

MISTER MEAN

He was Snow-den.

MISTER NICE

I better call him.

MISTER MEAN

I tricked you, Mister Nice. Now I know the identity. It’s the American spy Edward Snowden.

MISTER NICE

That’s right. He’s protected in Moscow by Putin, who is in cahoots with Trump. But Snowden turned state’s evidence against the president in the end. Now I can perform a lobotomy on you with the help of Mister Rogers.

MISTER MEAN

I don’t have a brain. I’m a sock puppet. Help. Help!! Can anyone hear me?

MISTER NICE

I can. Ha ha ha ha ha.

ROGERS

End of show.

JERRY

Mister Rogers. You are a brilliant gas bag.

ROGERS

Thank you. I have to catch a trolley. I’m late for work.

JERRY

What do you do up there?

ROGERS

I make a list of all the people on earth who are naughty and ice.

JERRY

Kind of the Santa Claus of the pearly gates. Am I naughty or nice?

ROGERS

It’s a secret, Mister Duncan. Right now, I have bigger fish to catch. Just remember the old Chineses proverb. Be kind to pigeons. A statue might someday be made of you.

JERRY

Do yourself a favor, Freddie. Buy a new sweater. And lose the tie and sneakers.

ROGERS

Won’t you be my neighbor?

JERRY

Let me sleep on it. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.