Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Nikki Haley, former S.C. Governor and Jeff Sessions, former U.S. Attorney General.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Nikki Haley, former Governor of South Carolina and Jeff Sessions, former U.S. Attorney General.
JERRY
Good morning, Governor Haley.
NIKKI HALEY
How y’all doing?
JERRY
I’ll let you know if the inmates don’t take over the asylum.
JEFF SESSIONS
Are you inferring we’re crazy?
JERRY
Knock knock.
SESSIONS
Who’s there?
JERRY
Stupid.
SESSIONS
Stupid who?
JERRY
Stupid you. That’s who. Now go back to helping Santa at the North Pole. You’re his favorite elf.
HALEY
Jeff. If you don’t get elected Senator in Alabama next year, I’d like you to be the iddy biddy ornament on my Christmas tree.
SESSIONS
Sounds like a plan, Miss Haley.
JERRY
Nikki. I see you wrote a book.
HALEY
Surprised?
JERRY
Yeah. I didn’t know you could read.
HALEY
It’s called With All Due Respect: Defending America With Grit And Grace. I talk about my career in politics from Governor of South Carolina to U.S. Ambassador at the UN.
JERRY
And how you disgraced former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.
HALEY
What? Where did you get that information?
JERRY
It’s in your book.
HALEY
Brain fart. Had a ghost writer.
JERRY
You said that Tillerson and Kelly tried to undermine Trump and asked you for their help. They felt he had destructive impulses, especially when it came to foreign policy.
HALEY
Ah ah ah. Next question.
JERRY
What is the biggest accomplishment in your career?
HALEY
As you know, my parents were born in India. I’d have to say I’m most proud of the Indian dating service I founded called Love Kuri. Because of me, we now have more engineers and 7-Eleven stores in America.
JERRY
General Sessions. You’ll always be remembered for being the architect of a cruel immigration policy that left children in cages on the Mexican border. Separating them from their parents.
SESSIONS
The Bible said I needed to do it.
JERRY
What’s their crime?
SESSIONS
They’re acting like human beings.
JERRY
You’re more prejudice than I thought.
SESSIONS
That’s what my mama used to tell me, so it must be true.
HALEY
It’s wrong. Jeff Sessions doesn’t represent who we are as a nation. It reminds me of a famous Indian man who was backwards in his thoughts like Jeff.
JERRY
What was his name?
HALEY
I think ReverSingh.
SESSIONS
It was Bundair Dundat, you idiot. Learn history.
HALEY
I know elves like you weren’t born on this planet.
SESSIONS
And I know you’re a liar. You were born in Kenya.
HALEY
That was Obama. Stick to the Republican talking points, Shorty.
SESSIONS
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hard kick in your rear will hurt you.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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