Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Cats’ has one of the 20 worst movie box office opening weekends ever

Now we know why you can’t spell Catastrophe without CATS.

Kourtney Kardashian’s Christmas Eve Party had Sia, a Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reunion, and all the sisters

Here’s betting the theme was “Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho…”

Eddie Murphy returns to ‘SNL’ as Mister Robinson, Gumby and Buckwheat, Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump crashes Democratic debate in cold open

Too bad Eddie Murphy and Alec Baldwin as Trump didn’t do a song parody on SNL called “Ebony and Orangey.”

Jay-Z and Diddy both turned 50

… pretty soon they’ll be doing Broken Hip Hop!

Giuliani makes astonishing admission he told Trump ambassador would not help him politically, but insists “that was, like, general gossip”

Damn, everyday Giuliani seems less like a guy who married a close relative and more like a guy whose parents were close relatives.

The CEO of a Silicon Valley startup was quietly fired after allegedly spending over $75,000 at strip clubs and charging it to a company credit card

In fairness, maybe he thought it all fit under silicone.

Senate GOP wants speedy Trump acquittal

Well, on the upside, If Trump is acquitted in the Senate, he can go spend time with OJ looking for the real killer!

Germany to create 600 jobs to tackle far-right extremism

If only they could just press ‘Alt Right Delete.’

“I never understood wind, I know windmills very much, I’ve studied them more than anybody… tremendous fumes, gases are spewing into the atmosphere, you know we have a world, the world is tiny compared to the universe” — Trump

You know, it probably makes more sense in the original Russian.

Florida man found eaten by alligator actually died from meth overdose, officials say

It also explains why the gator complained of lack of sleep and held up a liquor store…

Rep. Matt Gaetz raises Hunter Biden’s substance abuse during hearing

Face it, after multiple DUIs, Rep. Gaetz talking about Hunter Biden’s substance abuse is like Jeffrey Dahmer talking crap about someone’s dietary habits.

Historic Lesbian same-sex kiss in ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ polarizes ‘Star Wars’ fans

Although, watching it might explain the ‘rise’ of Skywalker.

Giuliani says New York prosecutors would be ‘a–holes’ to prosecute him

… leaving room for him to prosecute himself.

Prosecutors in day spa prostitution sting turn up the heat on Patriots owner Robert Kraft

And, even at his age, he apparently gets hot quickly.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)