Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry.
JERRY
Good morning, Governor Perry.
GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
Howdy, Partner. Do you want me to remove my cowboy hat?
JERRY
No. Your brains might fall out. I heard you tried to talk into an envelope to send a voicemail.
PERRY
Fake news. I tried to surf the microwave.
JERRY
Huh?!
PERRY
Didn’t work out well.
JERRY
You have an interesting story. Graduated from Texas A&M with a BS in Animal Science. What did you do with your degree?
PERRY
I learned the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts. Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck. Again, didn’t work out well. Went to work on the family cotton farm.
JERRY
That must have been hard.
PERRY
Yep. Pickin’ cotton, drivin’ a tractor through the fields in sweltering Texas heat. Sweatin’ like a hog. Speakin’ of which, we raised pigs.
JERRY
Interesting.
PERRY
Not really. It was so damn hot, the momma pig always complained that she was bacon. I left the farm and got into politics.
JERRY
In 1984, you were elected to the Texas legislature.
PERRY
Lots of fun. You work hard to get the job and do nothin’ after that.
JERRY
In 1990, you became Agriculture Commissioner.
PERRY
You’re cotton pickin’ right. Workin’ on the farm paid off.
JERRY
In what way?
PERRY
I learned that happy farmers favorite candy was Jolly Rancher. I cried. It was like lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic findin’ out the ship was sinkin’.
JERRY
In 2000, you became the 47th Governor of Texas. Lots of people counted you out of the race.
PERRY
Well, the good Lord had a plan for me.
JERRY
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. When He created Republicans, He gave up on everything else.
PERRY
C’mon. I governed Texas for many years, Duncan. But there was this higher calling. Rick Perry, President of the United States.
JERRY
2015. You made a run for the Republican nomination. You were against everything. Climate change, Obamacare, the Department of Energy. Fast forward two years. During a Trump brain fart, you ended up being the Secretary of Energy. Let me quote the Rick Perry we know. “George W. Bush did an incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”
PERRY
One thing.
JERRY
No. There was more. You called Trump a “barking carnival act” and a “toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense.”
PERRY
I’m not smart enough to say those things.
JERRY
No argument there.
PERRY
But the Lord came to me in my sleep and I realized I was wrong. “Trump is God’s chosen one. And his authority comes from God.”
JERRY
Yes. Think about it. If you and Sarah Palin made a baby, it would be Donald Trump.
PERRY
A light bulb just went off in my head. I’m going to divorce my wife. Sarah and I have something in common, we were both involved with Dancing With The Stars. There’s chemistry between us.
JERRY
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
PERRY
Thank you. I need a drink right now. Duncan, you remind me of when I was young and stupid.
JERRY
Nothing’s changed except you’re old and stupid. See you tomorrow everyone.
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