Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New Year K-Pop — Happy New Year, happy new decade and welcome to the 2020’s.

Happy New Year, happy new decade and welcome to the 2020’s

Not to mention, this past New Year’s Eve it was possible the stars of K-Pop and the Time Square balls all dropped at the same time.

Dog was found 2,000 miles away from home

… that’s like 14,000 in dog miles.

Cara Delevingne shared a pic of her and Ashley Benson kissing naked in a tub in honor of Ashley’s birthday

Sounds like some people will do anything to audition for a Hallmark movie!

US kills Iran General Qassem Suleimani in strike ordered by Trump

Damn, it’s like Trump got edited out of ‘Home Alone 2’ and into ‘Wag the Dog.’

Bill Cosby rep hits back again at Eddie Murphy over ‘Saturday Night Live’ dig

It’s like ’48 Hours’ versus ‘3 to 5 Years!’

What does pansexual mean and how does it compare with being bisexual?

I don’t know, but sounds like it comes with a spicy side dish…

Lori Loughlin hires prison expert to ‘help her learn the ropes’ if she serves time

So, … that’s what Martha Stewart’s been up to.

Soccer stars Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris are married

… wondering if on their wedding night they hired a ref to yell, ‘Gooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaal!‘

RIP former NBA Commissioner David Stern

Literally, a David in a land of Goliaths.

‘1917’ scores big limited release at pre-awards box office

Jeez, really, why go to the movies to see ‘1917’ about WWl when you can catch WWIII for free on CNN?

Body found in Idaho cave more than 40 years ago identified as bootlegger

All that booze, no wonder he was so well preserved.

Kathy Griffin’s wedding officiated by Lily Tomlin

…wondering if Lily said, “with this one ringy dingy I thee web…”

Putin says Trump’s impeachment is far-fetched and predicts the U.S. Senate will reject it

If it’s the last thing he pays for…

Wired: That relief you feel when you let an expletive fly? It’s real. It turns out swearing has health benefits

F#%k, f#%k, sh*t, sh*tty, f#%k, f#%k, f#%k. Ok, I don’t know about you, A@$hole, but I f#%king feel a sh*tload better!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)