Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
JERRY
Can I borrow a few bucks?
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
Why?
JERRY
I need to order a mail order bride.
BLOOMBERG
Just live with a woman like I do. Why do you think most men die before their wives?
JERRY
I don’t know.
BLOOMBERG
Because they want to.
JERRY
You’re a billionaire. The 14th richest person in the world. At 77 years old, why are you running for president?
BLOOMBERG
Simple. Gun safety, education, healthcare and the environment. These issues affect all Americans. I can make a difference. When I was the mayor of New York City, I banned large sodas in restaurants and movie theaters. I co-founded Mayors Against Illegal Guns. I’m an advocate for reducing carbon dioxide emissions.
JERRY
And you’re in favor of providing tax breaks to big corporations.
BLOOMBERG
Duncan. It’s for the good of the community.
JERRY
I have a better idea. No taxes. Let’s just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
The studio door bursts open as Senator Bernie Sanders enters.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Taxes, shmaxes. Only the little guys pay. Bloomberg pays bupkis. Nothing.
BLOOMBERG
Hold on there, Wild Man. I pay more taxes in one year than you’ve made over a lifetime. And by the way, I, too am a little guy.
JERRY
Yeah, You’re 5’8″.
BLOOMBERG
Exactly.
SANDERS
I’m pissed. Michael is buying an election. The system is corrupt!
BLOOMBERG
I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate in it.
JERRY
It’s a work in progress. Trust me.
JERRY
Mr. Mayor. What is the most memorable time in your childhood?
BLOOMBERG
That would have to be on those cold winter New England nights when my mother cooked chicken soup. It was delicious and good for the soul.
JERRY
Same question to you, Bernster.
SANDERS
I’m not complaining, but we were so poor that my mother made chicken soup without chicken. It looked and smelled like urine.
BLOOMBERG
Ew. I’d like to think it didn’t come out of the toilet.
SANDERS
Probably did.
JERRY
Hey, Bernster. What do ducks eat with their soup?
SANDERS
You’re pulling my chain.
JERRY
For real.
SANDERS
No clue.
JERRY
Quackers.
BLOOMBERG
Ha ha ha. That’s a good one, Duncan. I can get you a gig at Catch A Rising Star. But I take 10%.
JERRY
After the elections, King Midas. Which brings me to the realization that one of you two idiots could be running against Trump in the 2020 election. Who has the best chance to defeat him?
SANDERS
I do. I’m a real New Yorker from the mean streets of Brooklyn. I can go toe to toe with Trump. I wasn’t given the nickname Meshugener for nothing.
BLOOMBERG
I have the best chance. Trump’s not a real billionaire. He’s a huckster trying to sell his reality show in the White House. I’m the real deal. A billionaire with a proven track record of government experience. Took New York City from a $6 billion dollar deficit to a $3 billion dollar surplus.
SANDERS
Ben and Jerry named an ice cream flavor after me. It doesn’t get more American than that Bite Size Mikey.
JERRY
The bad news is you both lose. The good news is together you have schizophrenia.
BLOOMBERG
Like you, baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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